Hello, Grief

This, I will apologize in advance for, because it is me - just writing. I will not edit. I will not mince words or feelings for fear I will say too much or over share.

I just have a lot to say.  You see 24 years ago my mom at the age of 46 died.  And every year since then it's like a punch in the throat. The emotions come crashing back and I cry in the shower,  in the bathroom, anywhere I can that no one will see because I think people will think I am stupid for missing this woman who gave me life after ALL these years.  

Truth is- wait for it. My pain. My story. It's not the same is yours and you don't get to own that part in my head anymore. So this is me telling you all that grief comes in so many different packages. 

I realize I am not the only one that has lost a parent - it's a natural thing. Kids bury parents. Parents don't bury kids.  But it still hurts. 

I took my sweet tween daughter to see a movie tonight. Gasp! Yes a school night!!! Judge me tomorrow... Love me tonight! 

I remember my mom taking me to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I have never seen any of those movies since. And I was sitting there with my daughter and her brown eyes looking at me in amazement of this movie... I feel that feeling in my stomach. That I don't want her to ever feel. Of being alone. And scared and angry. 

Every year on this date I do the same thing. I cry. I think how is this even possible that she is missing seeing her grandchildren grow up?  And my faith is tested and weak. And then a familiar song will play on the radio as a reminder from her to snap out of it. This is all part of a bigger plan. Bigger than you and me. And that even when I can't understand I have to trust THAT much more.

Makes no sense when you are crying in your Cheerios... But... 

So, here  I am - 24 years as a motherless daughter and I know this: 

1.Grief doesn't have an expiration date 

2. It sneaks up on me 

3. Lean into the pain instead of fighting it 

4. Oreos will make me laugh and cry 

5. Loss is a lifelong journey 

6. I will continue to mourn the memories she missed out on 

7. I will keep those memories we did make seared on my heart forever 

8. I will choose joy and sadness together.

9. The love we shared together doesn't have an expiration date either. 

10. Learn to swim

I found this quote

and it is so perfect- it explains the way I bob and weave or whip and nae nae through this crazy life missing my mom!  I learned to swim!!! Ahhhhh.  I made. It. I did that. Yessss!!