Serial Fizzer Outer

I can open my refrigerator at any given time and I can find my 6 pack of struggles or failures staring back at me beyond the leftovers.  Just like the six pack of Diet Coke that added to my weight gain of unhealthy proportions; so did the can of shame from being a motherless daughter,  a can of being co-dependent, a can of failing marriage, a can of being a "serial fizzer outer"  (one that starts everything and finishes nothing) and don't forget the can that was shaken up and put back in the refrigerator to just explode in my face...acceptance.

While I have given up my addiction to Diet Coke, my real life struggles have not gone away. I wrestle with them daily; right now my biggest:  my weight and my marriage. Could the two be related? I don't know. I thought I had kicked the weight can to the curb,  when I started working out daily and eating a PALEO   lifestyle in 2011. My motivation was my 20 year high school reunion.  Pretty good motivation. I was once called a whale in the "slam pages" - I did not want to be an adult whale.  For nearly 6 months that was my project...but guess what? I fizzed out. Again. I had wins. Big ones. Nearly 60 lbs. and more inches lost than I care to mention. I don't know why I fizzed out, it happened. The weight crept back on. I like to play the blame game too... it's my husbands fault, we can't afford it, I'm too busy. They are all phrases I use on a rotating basis and have cued in my arsenal labeled "BEST EXCUSES EVER"  when I am about to fizz out again.

So for a long time I just shut the refrigerator door on my feelings.  I didn't want to look at them. But because I am a feeling person - they were there. Like the scary Tupperware of leftovers hiding behind the cans, you see them. They are my struggles. I call them humdingers. They are real, some are bigger than others, or scarier than the others but they are mine. Every single stinkin' can of them. I guess I should be glad its not a 12-pack.

I decided to face them head on. No, that is a lie. I was forced to face them head on when my world was turned upside down earlier this year. I am not ready to share that...I may never be. AND that is okay. But you must know that it was a defining moment for me and what would be one of the most bitter-sweet summers of my life. For me, I had to recognize all the yucky, painful stuff in order for me to find the sweet stuff. That is why I am writing, again. Because it heals that yucky stuff AND gives me purpose;  to look at things with my wings flapping furiously to find the sweet stuff. It's THERE. It's HERE. It's EVERYWHERE.

Soooooo... am I going to face the battle of my weight again? YES. Will I fizz out again? Possibly.. I pray not. THIS  is who I am and the sweet thing is I keep trying... and my daughters see that struggle and see the failure and learn two things: it is okay to mess up...it's not okay to not try again. Maybe this time I will get it right. Grace has taught me that it is okay to fail...I just CAN'T GIVE UP. And for a serial fizzer outer that is a win.  KEEP ON HUMMING ALONG.