No glory. Just guts

So I have this on going banter with one of my favorites about guts. You know what I mean, right? Do you have the guts to say what you mean? Or how about the guts to say, 'No, not today!'  Or the guts to say what you need and not be ashamed of it? Or how about this one: what does your gut instinct tell you?!!

Grab a drink of your choice-Or a glass of vino... Or a carafe. No judging here. 

This was a dialogue between friends in the height of the holiday hustle and bustle. And in my quest to be okay with who I am in the upcoming year- I am challenging myself not to over do ANYTHING-the timing was perfect to share some gutsy adult talk. 

"Hi! I see you. No really, I see what you're doing. Lemme tell you something.

Wait. Hold Up. Let me not tell you something.

Aren't you tired of being told what to do every day? Bombarded by advice from FB, Twitter, Pinterest, and on and on. Photoshop has ruined reality for most of us- to a point where if our Elf on the Shelf isn't being creative, then what kind of mother are we?  Or if your body isn't beach-ready then do you really deserve a vacation? What do you mean you forgot it was Ugly Sweater Day at school? Don't you read the newsletter? I can't believe you even made it out the door today. In our 'real' world.

I'm tired of it all. I can not take another single piece of advice. Please don't tell me what to wear or what not to say or how to dress my family for my cutesy fall pics for the Christmas cards that I have to mail this weekend. If I see another recipe for fudge or another 3 point schedule for squats, I will lose it!

Unless it's Grandma: then I might listen. Or you. I might throw you a side eye, but you are usually pretty right. Damn it. 

Why is that? What price are we setting on this unsolicited advice? Why can't we listen to our gut instinct anymore? I think it's because we can never find a still, small place to listen to ourselves. And that's super sad cause I'd like to think of myself as pretty smart. But even then I'm not listening to me. I'm too wrapped up in the "I should's to even pay any attention to the  "I have to's. 

We have lost our relationships with our guts. Probably somewhere between the juice fasting and the liver detoxing and the preparing freezer meals, would be my guess. Or the crafts and the decor and the homeschool curriculumn. 

Somewhere along that super long road, is our gut. Sitting with it's tiny suitcase wondering where the hell we are and when the hell are we coming back.

Go find yourself. She's lost and needs you. I have no idea how, don't even ask. I'm going to be off somewhere, backtracking on my road, eyes peeled for myself."

And then it was countered with this:

"Yes!  I hear you. Loud and clear.  But why do you love my rotten, bloated guts and not your own!?!?

They are just as awesome. You have enough guts. You are enough! 

I have a confession though... I may or may not be one of those moms doing all the stuff and seeing what every one else is doing... You know that cause I text you a bazillion times to say- did you see?!?!?  

My guts aren't original. I have all good intentions of doing my own things. But fear and shame shake my guts and say better stick to the plan. 

I guess just like you don't like to listen to your guts. I don't like to listen to my own ideas for fear that they aren't worthy or good enough. Why is that?!?!?  

Here is the deal- you need to listen to your guts  and I need to be brave and show my guts! 

In order to do that... 

You must be still!

I must be still. 

Listen to your heartbeat and the sound of your breathing and realize that you are enough! 

Our guts are so amazing, all by itself.  God gave us these guts- scared, jealous, brave, torn, cleansed, bloated whatever our guts look and feels like they are ours.  Authentic. No more denying our guts.  

So love your messy guts. I do! Be brave and take that next right step. Be still. And listen to your guts. They have a story to

tell. It's your story. Xo "

And with that I am out. Happy hump day. Love your guts. Listen to them. 

I'm Over it!

It is New Years Eve. 2015 is already gone and I really can't believe. I am truly getting older because time is flying. I once heard someone say that "Days are long, but years are short",  They were wise.

2016 is almost here. Well it is here.  I am 4 months into my 42nd year on this planet. I always reflect on things, too much I am sure, but at the end of the year you are really supposed to, right? So we write down all things we didn't do well, enough or even at all...and try to resolute them for the next year. That is a lot of pressure!!  Like too much pressure. It makes my heart beat faster and I start to sweat. So I am trying something different; for me anyway. I am gonna get over stuff in 2016.  The art of getting over the overs.

It surprisingly didn't take me too long to find the things I am over...doing! So here is my resolution, my list of things I want to work on, in or be done with ...

1. Over spending- Just stop. Be simple. Content. Less is more.

2. Over planning- a little spontaneity will do me good. Things are nice to look forward to but when I'm always planning the next thing, I miss out on the present.

3. Over doing- Live simply. See number 1.

4. Over sharing- This may or may not work since I blog and all that jazz. But hey, how about sharing other people's stories. Boom! yes. I am over that.

5. Over reacting- I will try really, really hard. 

6. Over sensitive- I know I feel things too deeply. I am overly passionate and enthusiastic. But it kinda makes me an empathetic bad ass. So, maybe I won't touch this one. I will just work on how I react (see number 5) when people say I am too sensitive... I will simply reply, thank you!

7. Over eating- This is a big one. Slow down. Be prepared to take the steps to help me not be tempted to over eat. Keep busy and get moving. These go hand in hand for me...if I am moving I won't eat. Sounds simple- but for me its always a battle.

8. Over thinking-  I will stop killing my own happiness. I will breathe and I will push the delete button and stop hitting replay in my head. It usually creates problems that don't exist so I will think less and do more.

9. Over judging- I will work on being an encourager instead of a critic. 

10. Over singing- Ha! This. IS. NOT. Going. To. Happen. I will turn it up and sing louder!

I know this list looks like  a lot - and I am a mess. But really, this list is just about moderation for me, I was chatting with my squad and that word came up; moderation. I suck at moderation. I am in all in girl. The lucky thing for me is that my squad... they are good at it. Unless it is mini powdered donuts then forget about it- I am an island.

So 2016, is going to be known as the year of enough. Not over anything, just enough.  I will continue to seek for the balance that I know I am capable of achieving.  After all, content is a nice way to be...

I will be fearless and bravish in my journey and I will continue to let Love be guiding force. I will relish and mustard in my daily life and make the most out of everyday. Bring on 2016.

Hello, Grief

This, I will apologize in advance for, because it is me - just writing. I will not edit. I will not mince words or feelings for fear I will say too much or over share.

I just have a lot to say.  You see 24 years ago my mom at the age of 46 died.  And every year since then it's like a punch in the throat. The emotions come crashing back and I cry in the shower,  in the bathroom, anywhere I can that no one will see because I think people will think I am stupid for missing this woman who gave me life after ALL these years.  

Truth is- wait for it. My pain. My story. It's not the same is yours and you don't get to own that part in my head anymore. So this is me telling you all that grief comes in so many different packages. 

I realize I am not the only one that has lost a parent - it's a natural thing. Kids bury parents. Parents don't bury kids.  But it still hurts. 

I took my sweet tween daughter to see a movie tonight. Gasp! Yes a school night!!! Judge me tomorrow... Love me tonight! 

I remember my mom taking me to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I have never seen any of those movies since. And I was sitting there with my daughter and her brown eyes looking at me in amazement of this movie... I feel that feeling in my stomach. That I don't want her to ever feel. Of being alone. And scared and angry. 

Every year on this date I do the same thing. I cry. I think how is this even possible that she is missing seeing her grandchildren grow up?  And my faith is tested and weak. And then a familiar song will play on the radio as a reminder from her to snap out of it. This is all part of a bigger plan. Bigger than you and me. And that even when I can't understand I have to trust THAT much more.

Makes no sense when you are crying in your Cheerios... But... 

So, here  I am - 24 years as a motherless daughter and I know this: 

1.Grief doesn't have an expiration date 

2. It sneaks up on me 

3. Lean into the pain instead of fighting it 

4. Oreos will make me laugh and cry 

5. Loss is a lifelong journey 

6. I will continue to mourn the memories she missed out on 

7. I will keep those memories we did make seared on my heart forever 

8. I will choose joy and sadness together.

9. The love we shared together doesn't have an expiration date either. 

10. Learn to swim

I found this quote

and it is so perfect- it explains the way I bob and weave or whip and nae nae through this crazy life missing my mom!  I learned to swim!!! Ahhhhh.  I made. It. I did that. Yessss!! 

 

daily reminder

It's been forever since I had the chance to blog. I'm in the thick of school and grading and well you know, life.  I looked around my house today when I got home at 5... And said who leaves here?!?! There is paper piles and laundry and empty toilet paper rolls. Does anyone see them but me????

I went back to my journals and found one I never published and it is funny how it  fits today... Maybe I shouldn't worry about changing and just accept that I am who I am. It is what it is. And love my life. All of it.  That's scary.  

Earlier this week I talked about "fizzing" out with a friend and I made up a plan to get through the week with out going flat. In the process of this I read a lot. There is something about reading one's words on a page and the sanctity of writing. It is like the writer has given you your own personal invite to share a piece of themselves with you. A pretty brave thing. It is what has encouraged me to write again.

On the other hand there is something special about when someone reads something and sends it to you and says...this made me think of you. and I thought you may like it, you need to hear it, you will laugh at it,  you will challenge it,  you can relate to this; add something to it, believe it or simply enjoy it! It's like a little love note. Who doesn't like love notes?

I received an article from a friend a while back that you can read here about Zelda Williams unveiling her tattoo in honor of her dad, Robin Williams. It is a hummingbird...and my heart skipped a beat. They truly are one of the most beautiful creatures. They remind to me to keep flying...to keep looking for the good even when I know I am fizzing out. They remind me to laugh...and when I see one I always smile. 

I guess what I want you to know today is that...things may be flat and dark and scary but when you are ready to - someone will be there to help you fly again. And it is hard work to fly. But

It is totally worth it. Think of all things you would be missing if you never left the ground?

So - here is my reminder:
Smile.
Don't give up- for too long!
Things may or may not get better.
You are enough!
It is what it is.
Embrace both the ugly and sweet.
You are beautiful!

The Fall

Do you remember where you were 14 years ago? I do- to the minute ...the square of carpet I was standing on to the click of my boots on the hard aisle as I went to the TV.  My heart still aches. 
Just like thousands and thousands of others we won't forget that moment when America fell.

When my heart hurts or people around me are hurting I fly into beast mode. I want to DO! Love in action. Answer the CALL.  I try and figure out how to make the hurt stop.

Ask any of my village and they will tell you I always ask "whats next?"

 But what I am learning in this journey is that maybe we don't need to always rush to action after a fall...

Which brings me to this amazing bad ass author Brene Brown whose book Rising Strong I am reading right now. Or I should say listening to... I'm totally phoning this one in and opted for a book being read to me by none other than the author herself. 

I'm only in chapter 9. I have like 82 left. But on the eve of 9/11 there is so much of that book that translates and makes me say yep. I got it. I get it. Good!!!!

In our life we have all these things that happen- crappy things. Not so good things and then there are amazing things right? They look different to everyone but they all give you the good bumps and make you say "ahhhhh".

But as we rise and fall and fall and rise things at least for me get a little clearer.

Hear me out: 

1. Blue skies and green lights are awesome. But they don't happen all the time. So we have to hit a few red lights and get caught in the rain without an umbrella to appreciate those sunny skies. 

2. We all want the quick fix and the hero stories, but isn't the real winning in that beautiful, hard, struggle where we are battling to get back up? Let's hear about that. 

3. Life isn't perfect. It's not easy and it's is certainly not fair when we are face down after a 50 story fall. But. There is a but - if you are brave enough to embrace the fall and rise again -that is where that sweet beauty is. 

14 years after the United States fell flat on its face and the wind was taken out of our lungs we are still getting back up. New struggles knock us down. The survivors and heroes of 9/11 are still showing up. A new memorial has risen. It personifies the rise and fall of this moment in history that no one will forget.

Thank you 9/11 and all those people that lost heir lives and their loved ones. The children of 9/11 that won't know their parents and the Heroes that sifted through ashes to give a family peace. 

On that heartbreaking day lives were changed forever.

So if you fall, come on you are human. You will fall. 

Embrace the fall

Pace yourself 

Adapt and overcome. 

This happens 15 times a day for me; and that's on a good day!!!  I fall. A lot.  

So take a deep breath. And never forget what that fall felt like.  The rise will be so much sweeter if we remember it with humility and unabandoned truth.  

  

Lobsters, Hooties, Luggage and Love

Today is National Friendship Day.  It's on the Internet- it has to be true.  I read a few days back this quote from Brilliant Bob: 

"God makes mountains to dazzle us and friends to love us".

Bob Goff

Bob Goff is a genius. I love his book, Love Does. It speaks to me about putting all the words into action and doing something. Anything that is loving. I follow him on Instagram and FB and you should too. He makes me want to yell,  Ahoy mate. Come on board.  I've got room for "all you all" here...  He is a lover of Christ and the truth he sheds is real. It is simple. 

I know God gives us friends. He puts people in places and sprinkles them around to make your life just a smidge better. Easier.  Lighter. At least that is the way it is for me.

They are like the accessories to my favorite outfit... The cream of the crop...  the flip to my flop and the cheese to my wine.

Some friends are hiding in unlikely of places. and the best friendships are ones you don't have to work at.. easy breezy flying, all green light kinds, those are the ones to hold on to.  One day you look around and say, damn, I got lucky in the friend department.

It's hard to put a label on friendships and who is what to me... but THEY know who they are. My village. the women I am proud to get to call my friends.   I would like to think that I am changed from them being in my life present or past...

Everyone needs friends. It's been said that you live longer having fulfilling friendships then without.  

Bert had Ernie, Meredith had Christina, Laverne had Shirley, Thelma had Louise, Woody had Buzz, Lucy had Ethel, Batman had Robin and Ruth had Naomi. 

One of my favorite stories in the bible is in the Book of Ruth... read it and then tell me that doesn't encompass one of the most rich, complicated, brave and loyal friendships in history.

 "Where you go, I will go, where you stay I will stay" 

Ruth 1:16

Here are the 7 reasons why you need friends...

THEY:

1. Remind us: Whether it is reminding you to sign your kids up for dance class or its your turn to bring meat and cheese to the Christmas party. your friends will keep track of your head when you may have lost it. They are also there to remind you that it is okay you aren't feeling awesome today and they remind you that tomorrow is a new day...
2. Celebrate with us: Birthdays, holidays, promotion at work, or maybe it is that you made it through the day with out throat punching some one;  these friends are an instant party, They are your biggest fans. 
3. Challenge us: Ahhh... this is a hard one. but you need those groupies to make you better,  they want the best for you and your family, even if you can't see it. These are the friends that say what they mean and mean what they say. You may not like it but you have to hear it  these friends keep it for real!
4. Cry with us: You may have just lost your parent, job, or your way or maybe there isn't anymore wine; these friends prop us up and lean into the hurt with us. They give us guardrails and safety nets. They promise a real promise - not that it won't hurt anymore, but they will be there and show up for us.
5. Fight for us: They show us our strength when we don't recognize it.  They have your back when you are right and they will tell you when you are wrong.  These are the ones that tell you that you can do hard things and even if you don't want to they will. They are on your side and will go to the dark alley with you to fight your demons. 
6. Laugh with us: Sometimes they laugh AT you when you may have had a a few mishaps of the falling down kind or dancing like an absolute buffoon. They make you laugh with their made-up words or silly text messages. No one may get it but you two...and you don't care. These favorite people are the ones that you can laugh with until your sides hurts. 
7. Love us: This is the big one. they LOVE us. It s a verb... not an adjective. Well, it can be. Oh well,  never mind that. But I mean L-O-V-E you. Show up for you. even when it may not be easy. They show you grace and love every imperfect part of you.

So call your person. Your Lobster. Your Hooties. The ones you love more than your luggage! Hug them. Celebrate your friendships today, whether it is a new friendship, one that has stood the test of time or maybe one that needs a little TLC. Just do it.  Love is an action after all.

And if that isn't enough to make you get all lovey and ready to do back flips about how freaking awesome your friends are...you can watch some of my all time favorite friendship movies... (after you give the dog a bath, laundry, and cook dinner OF COURSE!)

Pop some corn and a cork ... And watch. You can thank me later.

Steel Magnolias

Beaches

Thelma and Louise

Fried Green Tomatoes

Walking and Talking 

What is your favorite friendship movie? Comment below... I would love to hear. 

The World is a Small Town

So, this article   9 signs You're a Small- Town girl at Heart...came across my news feed... and I thought OH,  I am so reading that. And well you should too!

It is no secret that I was raised with concrete and cookie cutter houses.  WE have lived in our small town for nearly 11 years.  I remember the first time I visited my husbands hometown like it was yesterday... AZALEA weekend 2001. I saw the sign with total population... my high school had more students in it. I was nervous. Maybe they were too... I doubt it,

It all went dandy, I sat on a front porch sing and drank tea and got to know his family in a slow and easy breezy kind a way. He said hello to everyone as we strolled through the festival and everyone acknowledged me.  That was the first time for the rest of my life  that in Southeast Missouri I would be someone other than  me. I wasn't just me anymore. It wasn't my territory. I was visiting and as long as I was, they would warm and kind and welcoming. I was lucky.  But I was HIS girlfriend, fiance, wife. Not the autonomous me that I fought so hard for when I left my nest and flew East.

Fast forward to today and we are settled in our home town with a village of people whom I adore. I love my job. I just wish I would have started teaching sooner.  My daughters are involved and loved and soaring. Husband makes a good life for us. We have planted roots.

But every once in a while the what ifs start dancing around in my head about small town vs big city. And lets face  it what ifs are never fun...at least for me because I usually am having these thoughts when husband is out of town and I am going to attend church by myself again tomorrow. My wings are flapping a little at the what ifs.

Enter the list: 9 signs You're a Small- Town girl at Heart by blogger howdoesshe.

So here it is: 
1. You can fix anything with twine and duct tape. - Nope I am not a fixer at all. I just ask husband or Poppy. Sorry, my mom was the same way. 

2. You don't see what the big deal is about locking the front door. I always lock my front door and even daughter number one double checks it habitually. That could be because Daddy is out of town a lot and it makes us feel safe.

3. You get extremely impatient when a line is longer than two people. Well, maybe, but only because life is busy- but I can handle it. I will admit the longer I am here I get crazy when my local grocery store is packed*. Come on people... I am shopping. GO AWAY. * by no means is the store packed, or is there traffic like OC. But it is becoming a new norm. 

4. Big buildings make you claustrophobic. I love big buildings and I can not lie!

5. Crowds just aren't your thing. Well, this one as I get older I am realizing I don't like them. Or is it because I may see someone I may know...in that crowd. See number 8.

6. You don't see a problem with getting married young. I got married older...29. It is hard work. But I was busy doing other things before I fell in love for the last time. I have friends that got married right out of high school and others that were in their late 30's. You can't hurry love. But sometimes it can't wait either. You know your heart. 

7. You are incredibly creative when it comes to entertainment.  I must be incredibly dumb...because I don't know what this means. You make your own fun...you travel...you live. Okay, I do that.

8. When you go to Walmart, you automatically look for someone you know. I see someone every single time I am there that I know. Maybe even more than one. And I try my hardest to avoid Walmart. 

9. You secretly like the smell of cow poop. I can't even right now. So I won't.

I read the list and re read it... and it is pretty straight forward that I am not a small town girl at heart. I love many aspects of living in a small town. But on the flip side of that I hope and pray that I am giving daughters enough diversity and culture to be well rounded, accepting people of society.

Look, I am not saying people that have been born and raised generations and generations in a small town aren't well rounded.  Some of my dearest friends have lived here forever. They make fun of me about  my lack of fishing and hunting knowledge, pronunciations of names, directions that I should know etc.  I can take it. I love them that much.

I am also saying that people that live in big cities aren't  better than small town folk...although I do know several egotistical peeps that do think they are better because of their zip code.  But I am a transplant. I am city girl that has planted roots in a small town.  But man, every once in while my wings are flapping to see what is outside the small town for me and my family.  And then I wake up and see this...and I think, ahhhhhhh sweetness. You rock my world with this moment.

I think it is all about mindset maybe... if you have a beautiful  mindset  regardless if you are a small town girl or a big city slicker,  and you are willing to look at your life and love it... better yet OWN IT. YES, THAT IS IT. JUST OWN IT.  All of it, the easy breezy days and the thunder filled messy nights where the what ifs are crashing in... I think I am a more a little big town girl. or whateves. I'll own it. Be nice... because the world really is just a BIG small town. Love each other.