I get it now, Mom

I found myself in a puddle the size of Texas earlier this week. The girls were in bed and I crawled into my bed sobbing. I just couldn't get my emotions in check. I am okay with crying, I am okay with not being okay, I am okay with recognizing that there are days when extra grace is required when dealing with me. What I am not okay with is when I can't figure out why my heart is aching and it hurts to breathe.

You know that feeling? The one you may get after you ran a long distance, or when I was younger playing in the smog filled air of OC, or the feeling of missing someone so much that hole is so big and wide and as much as I try to fill it up with good and love and rainbows and unicorns it just escapes. Thats the feeling. Now do you recognize it? Yep me too...it creeps up on me when I least expect it.

It sucks to miss someone after all these years...and it overcomes me like a big powerful wave. It knocks me to knees, tumbling around and gasping for air all along getting sand...everywhere. I finally manage to get my feet under neath me, and my head above water but not until another wave knocks me down again. I usually fight pretty hard when I am under water and I'm not willing to give into the flood of emotion - BUT this time I gave in.

I grabbed my treasure box of things that I haven't touched in years. I see it everyday- its there in my closet on the shelf where I throw our sheets and my winter sweaters. I conciously look at it every day.

Well, last night I climbed up there and I reached out for it. It was covered in dust. And I opened it and as soon as I did it was like I could smell her.  My mom. Her Jean Nate. Her sweet pink lipstick. Her Arbonne face products. They all came back to me after all these years.

My last mother's day with her was May, 12, 1991. I was a senior in High School. I don't know what we did that day, I have no idea. I can't remember. But I do know what my mom was feeling that day; because she wrote me a letter:

Life is full of ups and downs and many times there are more downs than ups- you fight me about going to church to visit with God but remember our faith is what keeps us together and we surely can't only look for the Lord in times of trouble; we need to always have HIM in our heart and on our side so that the bad times are bearable. There is so much I'd like to say to you but you always are ready to slash out at me and I can't stand that hurt when you make faces at me. I sometimes feel like giving up... but that is not my technique and that is why we clash so much. I do want you to be strong and brave and don't let anyone tell you you aren't someone. You are what you make yourself. I am hurting and scared but I love you. I have faith that we will be okay no matter what happens.  
I know I may not be around to see what God has in store for you...but I wan't you to remember this. I love you. I am a mother because of you. My daughter of mine. I hope you will experience the joys and tears and pain and laughter that comes with being a mom. It isn't always fun but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I hope I get to cash in on more moments with you. If not,  what we have shared will last a lifetime my brave girl.
Love ya, Yours Truly and  all that jazz, 
MOM


Mother's Day is upon us and I know it is always a bittersweet day for many- and that is okay. it shouldn't be a hallmark holiday unless you want it to be. I found some  photos of my mom in my treasured moments box and I thought I would share.

I love this picture of my mom, her mom and her sister. All of them are together in heaven. This was my baby shower in August of 1973. The surprised look was because they all flew in from Pennslyvania to be with her on this special day.  They showed up for her.  I am sure that she knew that she was adored that day. By the way- could she be any cuter in her navy blue and white polka dot  shift dress???

Snowball fight in the mountains. Funny how I now live in a place that has seasons- when I grew up the only snow we knew was in the mountains and when we visited family in Pennsylvania. I love my crinkled up nose as I anticipate the snow. Pure uninhibited joy! 

This picture is simply so precious to me- and it isn't even me...I am watching as my brother is baptized in 1978. But please stop, look at that woman's face. ahhh, my heart busts right open again to see so much love in her eyes.


As I celebrate my 10th mother's day as a mommy and my 24th as a motherless daughter I
wrote my mom a letter back... as a tribute to her and me and our moments.

Yo Mom!
Mothering is hard work. I get it now. Not so much when I was 17. But now, phew I get it. I understand the glares, and the yelling matches and the mumbling under the breath. I get the "is this your best" talks, and the "you can do it" cheerleader moments. I get the "you made a bad choice and now you have to pay the consequence" discussions that rip your heart out and wish you could make it all go away. But mostly I want you to know I get the I love you no matter what moments. Between pick up and drop offs, chores and cuddling. I get those moment when nothing else matters because my girls know that they are loved. I want the same for them as you wanted for me all those years ago... I love you for pushing me and nagging me and teaching me how to fold sheets (I don't fold them, But I do know how thanks to you) Things are different than I thought they would be and I miss you terribly. But I am grateful every day for the moments we had...even the not so good  moments. They made me who I am today- all jacked up and built to love big.  I am mothering the best way I know how- and I just want you to know I get it. Thanksfor not giving up on me. Our moments are lasting a lifetime and I am bravish. I will do my best not to screw it up.
Love ya right back, pretty eyes and all that jazz,
SL


To all the women out there moms or not - celebrate with and for each other. Show the ones you love who you are in the messy, tired, scared moments and the fantastical sweet moments too. It is who we are. It is who our kids, our villages, our people need to see. Let them get it. Show them that someone will be there if they feel like giving up. Be their cheerleader!  It is our most important work to love one another and make sure they all know that someone adores them. Get that thing right. Nothing else matters.

So tomorrow I plan to get me some rest and be still even if it is for a few moments. I will probably partake in a cocktail or two and share life with my family and village.  I am grateful I gave in to my tears...it allowed me to let some more love in.