Day 182- Coco Love

I feel bad today. I am supposed to be lifting people up and showing love and albeit ultimately this WILL be about showing love and doing the next right thing it just wasn't the way I expected my first love project post to look like. Unfortunately for you my love posts are falling on a time where love hurts. Our sweet chocolate lab Coco is sick and the medicine isn't working and she is increasingly becoming lethargic and less spunky and well, less herself. She turned ten years old this past November. Husband and I found her at a rescue near our home and she has stuck with us ever since.

The pit is growing in my stomach as I recall yesterdays events and how my husband crawled in the backseat to comfort daughter #2 as she realized as much as her eight year old brain would allow that Coco wasn't getting better and that meant heaven was the next stop. I cried as I watched them walk with her down our road. A road Coco frequented freely and daily...she is the gypsy of our neighborhood, fierce protector, hates fed ex trucks, loves peanut butter and cheese but simply loves her family more than all of that.

As we as a family figure out what the next best thing to do is for our beloved family pet we are laughing and crying and remembering silly things that Coco has done to leave her paw prints on our heart forever. Love does hurt sometimes and I think that is a tough lesson to learn. Glennon Melton over at momastery.com is the resident love bad ass. She says that life is both beautiful and brutal...and coined the easy phrase brutiful. The next few days or weeks will be that for the girls I am sure...and we will do the best we can to let them bob and weave through the emotions of losing a family pet.

I found this article in my arsenal of saved reminders on how to live, love and let live... Dogs are pretty smart and  this was a perfect time to share it... Enjoy. My favorites... #1, 4 and 9.
Stay with me players...

Love in my hand

On this heart day where people are talking about love and what their significant other is doing to celebrate the love that is shining so bright in their village... I am giving myself a gift.  I am loving myself enough to lean into this crazy idea. Staying true to my passions.  I am starting a new project for the next 182 days. It looks like this... For the next six months I will post about what I did to love big on that given day.  Love, it's a word that is thrown around a lot - but what do we do to show love?  Do not roll your eyes or hit x. Stay with me here.

I need a deadline because you all know I am a serial fizzer outer read here  to catch up! I figure if it is out there in the Internet abyss for you all to see then maybe I will finish it.  And show some people love along the way.  And maybe no one will read it or care. That is kinda scary. But I'm doing it anyway. Authentic. All the way.

So I am now responsible for actually living out my mantra... Love big or go home.  

I don't know what it is going to look like- maybe I will want to put a fork in my eye by day five. I am hoping it motivates me to continue my trek through the trenches and build my love empire and continue to conquer the walls I tear down and build again and again.  My dream is, for one day the walls will come down forever and I will feel safe and loved in my own skin to just BE. 

Today was a good love day.  I have a twisted affair with food and my husband loves my homemade italian meatballs - I don't make them often. They are messy and time consuming and frankly I have to have just the right ingredients for my grandmothers recipe. It goes hand in hand with "THE Sauce" and I'm not talking Ragu. It's a labor of love. The girls helped me all day and prepared for his homecoming. I made him meatballs, spaghetti, amazing bruschetta and a delicious dessert pizza. I had to make him think he wasn't getting a warm cooked meal - enter maniacal laugh. Imagine his delight when he opened the pizza box and found this 

He was happy.  So today that is what I did to show him that yes... I do love you. 

Look here, I am not always loving big.  In fact there are days when it is dark and swampy in my world and love is just a word that means nothing. I am snappy and my face gets squished up and wrinkles appear in places that I didn't know I had. I am jumpy and yelly and impatient. Don't forget judgy.    I want to love.  To love. I want to love big and do.  So this is where my passion meets paper.  I have 182 days to get it right in some small way and or big way to show that love does win! 

Maybe you are out there and asking what the heck is she thinking? I know, right! But there is a job to do. And I am choosing to take on this love project.  To love my God, love myself, love my husband and daughters and love my village ... just to start.  

182 days to love and share my progress with you does seem a little daunting.   I may go flat before I even start but I'm willing to try.  Love does.  And I am ready to do.  

Stick with me players. This could get interesting!  

My Thursday Heartbeat Song

my head was pounding when I woke up. I begged the meds to kick in, Quicker. I knew the day was going to be a doozy...party weeks at school are always like that. which I don't get - it's like Christmas- same day every year, and it shouldn't sneak up on you like your first chin hair, or your daughters first crush but it does. Party weeks are always busy and last minute gifts and favors and snacks and the list goes on to just add to the mayhem. And we always say, It snuck up on me!

So I was expecting mayhem and headaches and a dark day...instead I got something else.

I think you know by now I am a fan of dance parties... I love to sing loud and make up silly moves. I think it may be a little scary to watch. But guess what...I don't care!  Me and the girls dance party usually daily...today daughter #2 was studying her bible verse and I rudely interrupted as my song of the week came on...HeartBeat Song by Kelly Clarkson. I figure the first ever winner of  American Idol was okay to stop studying for 3 minutes. Yes. I did stop studying with my daughter to dance. There will be a time that they will not want to dance with me...so I am not letting that sneak up on me.

In the middle of all the mundane, fantastic, life stuff that happens as I try to keep things somewhat stitched together as husband is gone all week. My heart is bursting... I just feel like I have to shout it. So many things about this day snuck up on me... Like:

when daughter #1 said with a new grin I have never seen before, "See ya in the car players!"

or how about when two of my struggling students rocked their science test. Not that I didn't expect their greatness but it still snuck up on me and made me yell YES!!! I may have fist pumped. Okay I did, I totally rocked that fist pump.

or how about when we dance partied on the way home and daughter #2 says, "I just love you guys"

or how about when daughter #1  made me an egg for dinner - BEFORE herself. She showed me her servant heart and the fact she can make breakfast for dinner snuck up on me.

or how about as daughter number 2 danced and twirled and practice her ballet with such purpose that it made me dream of what her future will be on the horse or on the barre - that moment snuck up on me.

or how about how we rocked our chores as a unified team tonight with only one pouting episode and I didn't yell until bedtime!

So my heart is full tonight as I get ready for Donut Friday and a fun day with anticipation and buzz surrounding Valentines day. I hope you have a wonderful heart day without too much expectations or disappointment because really every day can be full of special moments, moments that sneak up on you and make your heartbeat faster...so turn it up and let it happen.You don't need a stinking holiday for that! (that's a whole other blog post...so I will shut up now!)

Even if you have forgotten for a while what love looks like...its there. Love is all around, turn it up and let it happen...after all love does win if you let it.

And tomorrow's dance party would be the most awesome dance party evah if Uptown Funk and Heartbeat Song could join us for our 16 min drive to school...someone make that happen!!!!

#gratitudeandchocolate

I am not exactly where I thought I would be. I don't really get too upset or angry  about it - its more of a confused state. Discombobulated.  I fell down the rabbit hole like Alice and then woke up... I look around and it doesn't look familiar but it doesn't feel wrong either. But it is a struggle for me daily to figure it all out. And as my girls get older it is even more important to get it all right. Every Day. And I fail at it miserably.

It makes it hard in this digital age for me to not be confused because I am constantly reminded of what my life should look like, feel like and be like as I watch everyone else's unfold via the highlight reel. I'm not a social media hater... just the opposite in fact. I am a social media junkie. I Instagram. I Facebook- (less and less but I do) I tweet. I pin. I blog. I skype. And yes, I use hashtags.
I teach technology for the love of Pete. I can't hate it. So when my church is offering some real Biblical truths about the tech world I live in... Consider my mind blown and my heart busted wide open to receive the good news. Or bad. Depending how you look at it. You know me by now...I will look for the sweet in it!

It applies to me so much that through the whole first service this past weekend, I sat there mouth open dragging on the floor. I am sure I looked like a bobble head in the chair, nodding and agreeing and having light bulb moment after light bulb moment. Or it could be that hubbie may or may not have leaned forward and pointed at me and said..."are you listening?" Um. hello, Sweet Baby Ray's Yes. I am all ears...

Here is my truth:
I know I am on my devices too much... and I tell my daughters to get off of theirs. Great parenting, right???  I blame it on my job, but that isn't fair. I need some moderation*
I feel I do celebrate wins and lay off the Eeyore type of posts or hum drum negativity...or even in appropriate content. Again- I am having to set an example for my daughters and students alike... So I am anxious to apply the Biblical truths that were shared last week and in the upcoming lessons. Crush comparison, celebrate others victories (big or small) and finally have a heart filled with gratitude...and chocolate.  Chocolate is good. Maybe I just need some balance??? 

Are you curious yet????

So here it is ... watch the video. It is 27 minutes short and that is worth your time. That is less time than an episode of Full House, a quick washing machine cycle or the 27 minutes you lost trolling Facebook this morning... Put down trivia crack and I beg you to take the journey with me... Whatthetech? is a journey we all could learn, love and grow from? Right? Kapish? #doit. #youwontregretit.

*I am not good at moderation. I believe all in is the way to go... 

Please Look After This Bear. Thank You.

Last week we took the girls to see the movie Paddington. I had been waiting for this movie for some time and I know for a fact I was more excited than the girls to go see it. Something about a bear with manners and the best overcoat had me channeling my inner child.

 I was ready to take a trip to London...

. 

As I sat in the movie theater I got a lump in my throat. I know I am a neurotic mess most days but you know this bear, he gets it. And he saves this family from mundane living to dancing in the kitchen kind of living. He didn't care that they were less furry than him, he just loved them. Kindly. He was respectful. He was dapper. He was curious and perfectly poised. 

Could you imagine what Mary Poppins would do if she ran into Paddington?  I think they would be fast friends. And she would, of course,  keep his unintentional chaos to a minimum. Not too mention they would share each others treasured optimism and a love for tea and crumpets with lots and lots of marmalade. 

Oh, I simply adore that fuzzy brown bear in a hat.

I wish we could all wear a note that simply reminded each other to "Look after me today...Thank you." Or a rubber band on our wrist or stamped to our foreheads! . Addicts do it to remember to be strong in their sobriety. We right post it notes all over the place, to help not be forgetful. 

Siri can even give us reminders to do every day things : take the trash out, pay the bills, 

pick up milk, soccer practice, ballet @ 4p.m. 

What if you set a reminder on your phone and at 11:45 am every day

(in the most persuasive Colin Firth voice) would say... 

"Look after others today...thank you. Carry on."

 Pretty simple, don't you think? 

A daily reminder to just look out for each other. I mean why do we have to not be kind or  not nice or not show grace to the ones we are around- DAILY.  I realize I am comparing us to a bear...he is a different species and all. But it doesn't matter what species we are does it?  I mean come on...we are all different.  Black, White, Tall, Short, Fat, Skinny, Gay, Straight, Rich, Poor, Stay at Home Mom, Working Mom, Christian, Jewish, Muslim. You get it right? Don't keep pointing out all of our "speciest" differences...just embrace and celebrate it.  We truly are all soooo different. 

I think Michael Bond was on to something all those years ago...

 "Paddington stands up for things, he's not afraid of going to the top and the hard stare"

The thing that connects us is the need to be loved and to love. So for the love of all that is good in this world -  just look after each other. Today, tomorrow and always.

Ice Cream, yes please!

Okay. Seriously. I love. Ice cream. It is probably one of my favorite guilty treats. I have been known to cry and carry on until someone, (aka husband) goes and gets me some.  Even Sara Mclachlan loves ice cream...  she wrote a song about it! I am not alone! Addicted much? Finally - someone else gets it.  I know exactly how these cute kiddos feel. Go ahead and watch. 

Now granted they are all wearing diapers and most can't communicate verbally yet. But I don't really care.  The only thing that can ruin ice cream is when someone puts back an empty container in the freezer. YES! someone has done that to me!!! How rude, right?  

My favorite ice cream of all time is chocolate peanut butter ice cream by Baskin Robbins. What is yours? The truth is I love the memories that come along with the ice cream...judge me as you wish about all my food issues. But we use to have a peach tree and made the best homemade peach ice cream during the summers. My brother and I would pick the peaches and we would sit for hours it seemed watching the machine churn,  I loved going to Golden Spoon on Bristol in Costa Mesa, California after school with my friends. I loved going to Thrifty drug stores ( I think they are Rite Aid now) and getting an ice cream stack for 10 cents. I loved the scoop...

laweekly.com

Who knew you could buy one  here for $155...free shipping!!!! That is a sweet piece of my childhood for sure.

urbanspoon.com

Any whoooo...I came across that amazeballs video that made me laugh until I cried and pined for ice cream and my husband got me some sherbet. Ya know, its a little bit better for me and since its a little too early to give up on my resolutions I enjoyed every bite of my raspberry sherbet.

 For those that have been know to dabble in the lactose intolerant arena it is an unfortunate fate, But they still understand that they are willing to sacrifice the awful tummy cramping for the sweet taste of ice cream on their lips. I for one am highly intolerant to a certain preservative put into certain ice creams...lucky for me I have figured that out and only go for the good stuff. 

Now please don't go calling the healthy police on me...we don't eat ice cream every day...( I could if I wanted to) and I think I only have force fed it to the girls for dinner maybe 4 times... 

I get it is a treat and should be just that...a treat. I love all kinds of ice cream and love to try new flavors...unique and distant flavors too. I still remember sitting in a West Hartford sushi restaurant enjoying lavender and green tea ice cream with my dear friends. It has never been duplicated!

Ice cream makes life better.    It makes it light and airy and sweet. My love for ice cream is deep and it comes packed with so many memories and its really is part of our culture. I think my next party will be an ice cream party to share the yumminess with my village. I did get a new ice cream maker for Christmas... It is da bomb!  

Snoop Dog said once that when he stops rapping he would open up an ice cream parlor and call it SCOOP DOG...guess what, Snoop? I'd be first in line!  

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

2015 is here.  It is. I can't believe it. Another year finished. Where has the time gone? 365 days. What did they stand for you? and yours?

My reality today is that I am looking back at my Pinterest board and I didn't accomplish half of the crap that I said I was going to- and for a list maker that sucks. And I have been mad at myself and fighting my demons because of it. I am playing the blame game and it is everyone else's fault except mine. I am still fat. I have more wrinkles then last year. My  house is disorganized, the boxes of clothes still sit in the garage, my kitchen is a mess, my pantry is in disarray which sends my hubbie into a tailspin weekly, my girls rooms are still painted from when they were babies.  Isn't that scandalous???? HA! I am laughing at myself now!! The truth is I really should be mad at 

No One.

You see for me 2014, was one of my bravish of  years...I finally did something that I have wanted to do for years. I put my thoughts on paper and I freed myself. I told my story and I am feeling lighter everyday.

Some people may not have liked what I wrote but that is too bad for them because I wrote it for me. Don't get wrong...I like to please. I like to be liked...but it is getting easier to realize that I am not nutella and not everyone is going to like me!! SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! Can I get an AMEN???  I should end the essay there..that is huge peeps. Did you hear what I figured out in 2014????  It is okay not to be everything to everybody - but I at least know I am something to someone.

Writing has been my therapy. I write when I am sad, happy, angry, scared confused, questioning - it gives me peace. Sometimes I do feel the pressure that it isn't good enough or that what I have to say is irrelevant. But then I am reminded by one of my village people that is the shame talking. Keep writing. So instead of making my list of the things I want to accomplish in 2015 I am making my list about all the things that I did in 2014 that made this my bravish year. 

I graduated with my teaching degree
I started a new position that I LOVE.
I started to blog
I visited Chicago
spent quality time with my loved ones near and far
made another year commitment to my church
shared in the joy of a loved ones new baby boy
mastered a fast change during Nutcracker that would make any dance mom proud.
sent my oldest daughter to camp : those that know me know how anxious I was but it turned out to be such an amazing spiritual journey for her
went to a marriage seminar

I danced in the kitchen.
I taught my girls how to fry chicken.
After twenty three years I finally was able to part with some of my mom's things
celebrated birthdays with friends
I spent time at the beach
I read.  A lot. 

I sang loud!
I went camping ...and stayed in a tent. Enough said.
I stood up for myself when I was supposed to and stayed quiet when words weren't necessary
I learned how to be still
I visited my childhood home
I made a new friend
I opened my online boutique chloe + isabel
I didn't give up on me and my hubbie- everyday we fight the fight and show up for each other. No one tells you that marriage is one of the hardest things you will "do" because love is about doing. 

I think the thing I am most proud of is that the realization that my life is my life - all the messed up moments and crazy daily things is what makes it whole. I am imperfect. It is still a pretty sweet life. I will continue to let love invade my heart and set daily reminders that love DOES. I will not sit idle. Sometimes I may not get what I want...but I believe in a big GOD and He will give me what I need.

That is a LONG list... I like it totes better than my short list of things I may or may not actually get done in 2015. But I have 364 days left. That is 364 chances to make each day better than the day before. Who is with me? Let's do this and be awesome and love until our hearts burst and our wings can't take us any higher.

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