Dreams Matter

Contemplate the minds of our little ones. They are so fragile,  yet strong and I take the job of teaching them very seriously. I am passionate and enthusiastic about giving them the tools to be creative and resourceful to think on their own. This past week, when I did a lesson on Martin Luther King Jr. and encouraged them to write their own I have a dream speech, I was. Blown. Away.  

I Have a Dream

By a 9 year old world changer 

I Have a Dream

That I can dance on Broadway 

That my family can be with me all my life 

That my friends grow up to be strong 

Oh I have a dream...

That all children can get a good education

That grown ups don't have to work too hard 

That people will start to make better decisions

Oh, I have a dream...

That people will find that God is with them 

That people will learn to read and write correctly

That there will be grace in our future 

Say what?? This is straight from the mouths of babes...no prompting. No start up... Just this 3rd grader. Rocking the world. Wanting her world to be full of God and Peace and Grace. Equality. Love. 

And this wasn't the only one like it. Their papers were filled with awesome dreams. Big dreams. Brave dreams.

There were dreams of healthy families, cures for "canser" and for people to take care of their dogs. There were dreams of being soccer players, forgiveness, fairness and for God's will to be done  and (wait for it) for our country to be safe and protected. 

I couldn't stand it.  I was punched in the gut by each of them. These children get it. The love thing. We as adults are still confused by it all. Why is that???

On this day, the day we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. and his dreams - my message is that every dream matters.

Continue to be brave little dreamers. Your dreams matter.  

Crazy Girl vs. Action Girl

Let me introduce you to Crazy Girl and Action Girl. They are two antagonists living in the same body. But it makes for some good fun and she is okay with being the butt of many of jokes! She is also a good sport. On Sunday, this landed in my inbox from my crazy/action friend. After you read this you will know that she is totally crazy. And the best part about it is she knows it, owns it and admits it. We call that just owning your s#%*!  

"I may have bitten off more than I can chew. 

I've decided to learn how to cook healthy, organize my kitchen and maybe lose some weight at the same time.

I'm not asking for advice- remember last week when I said I don't want to hear it? I'm not even looking for pity or a side-eye glance. 

I'm just stating the fact that there are changes that need to made, I want to accomplish them and....

I recognize I'm a crazy head.

     Just thought you should know.

I believe that winter is a time of renewal, not spring. By the time spring rolls around I want to be frolicking outside, with all the springtime creatures. (I live in a forest but really I'd be hanging out in my hammock with a good book.)

When winter comes, and I'm stuck inside, I look around and decide ' I need to cook more' or 'this cabinet is appalling! I can't find anything'. I'm not sure why this hits me in winter. It might be partly because of New Year's resolutions but also cause it's hard to function when you're staring at cupboards full of crazy food you won't eat (chili tomato spaghetti anyone?) or hunting for a lid for 15 min before you realize that there is no damn lid.

So being an action sort of girl I'll take the food bull by the horns and go a couple of rounds. Surely I can figure this out- organize, cook, lose a bit of weight. 

Can't be that hard.

Can it?

Nope, don't tell me. I don't wanna 

hear it."

So crazy met action on the corner of winter blues and man it was a doozy. She wants me to tell her something then she doesn't. Makes no sense.  So this is how I responded to Crazy. 

"Hey crazy.  You are an action girl?  True dat. You are a doer for surer. When you have a list of things to get done I know you get bat ass crazy about the list. BUT you get it done! Me on the other hand... I'm a little bit of the fizzer outer sort. You know! I like to plan and then let someone else make things happen! 

So- first off  I am totally proud of you!! I know it is hard to fit in this time FOR you. And you are tracking your progress and letting us hold you accountable. Run for your life my friend. Even if you are allergic to it!

But here is my truth- I want to hibernate. Remember last year - when all you wanted to do was sit on the couch and read?!? And in between that you were praying for snow days?!? That's where I am - no meal plans, organization tactics or plans to be a better me. Why the hell can't we get on the same cycle?!?! I mean it would make our lives easier.  

So go on with your bad self and organize and cook healthy and eeks... RUN!!! I'll be over here watching Netflix. 

The truth is I like you no matter what. With your disorganized pantry and chile tomato pasta, and 5 bottles of mustard. Do you even like mustard? 

And I don't care if you can run a marathon. Your heart is still just as good to me...but if you are ready then I am ready to be your biggest supporter. To some degree... I can't not promise that there won't be a side way glance or better yet a signature eye roll. 

Go get your doing on, Crazy!  Because spring is coming and your hammock is waiting!"

Just like my crazed action friend - we are bobbing and weaving through our days. We make mistakes. We succeed. We try new things.  And we stop old things. We get excited. We get disappointed. We get crazy.   We fizz out only to want to bite off more than we can chew like my crazy friend. 

The truth is whatever you have your eye on to do. Do it. And when you mess up - own it!

Just start again...seriously because when the hammock is swinging and springtime is on the brink I want to be ready! Ready for that first whiff of fresh cut grass and the baby buds on the tree. 

Don't apologize for your crazy. It's really only an amped up version of enthusiasm. 

No glory. Just guts

So I have this on going banter with one of my favorites about guts. You know what I mean, right? Do you have the guts to say what you mean? Or how about the guts to say, 'No, not today!'  Or the guts to say what you need and not be ashamed of it? Or how about this one: what does your gut instinct tell you?!!

Grab a drink of your choice-Or a glass of vino... Or a carafe. No judging here. 

This was a dialogue between friends in the height of the holiday hustle and bustle. And in my quest to be okay with who I am in the upcoming year- I am challenging myself not to over do ANYTHING-the timing was perfect to share some gutsy adult talk. 

"Hi! I see you. No really, I see what you're doing. Lemme tell you something.

Wait. Hold Up. Let me not tell you something.

Aren't you tired of being told what to do every day? Bombarded by advice from FB, Twitter, Pinterest, and on and on. Photoshop has ruined reality for most of us- to a point where if our Elf on the Shelf isn't being creative, then what kind of mother are we?  Or if your body isn't beach-ready then do you really deserve a vacation? What do you mean you forgot it was Ugly Sweater Day at school? Don't you read the newsletter? I can't believe you even made it out the door today. In our 'real' world.

I'm tired of it all. I can not take another single piece of advice. Please don't tell me what to wear or what not to say or how to dress my family for my cutesy fall pics for the Christmas cards that I have to mail this weekend. If I see another recipe for fudge or another 3 point schedule for squats, I will lose it!

Unless it's Grandma: then I might listen. Or you. I might throw you a side eye, but you are usually pretty right. Damn it. 

Why is that? What price are we setting on this unsolicited advice? Why can't we listen to our gut instinct anymore? I think it's because we can never find a still, small place to listen to ourselves. And that's super sad cause I'd like to think of myself as pretty smart. But even then I'm not listening to me. I'm too wrapped up in the "I should's to even pay any attention to the  "I have to's. 

We have lost our relationships with our guts. Probably somewhere between the juice fasting and the liver detoxing and the preparing freezer meals, would be my guess. Or the crafts and the decor and the homeschool curriculumn. 

Somewhere along that super long road, is our gut. Sitting with it's tiny suitcase wondering where the hell we are and when the hell are we coming back.

Go find yourself. She's lost and needs you. I have no idea how, don't even ask. I'm going to be off somewhere, backtracking on my road, eyes peeled for myself."

And then it was countered with this:

"Yes!  I hear you. Loud and clear.  But why do you love my rotten, bloated guts and not your own!?!?

They are just as awesome. You have enough guts. You are enough! 

I have a confession though... I may or may not be one of those moms doing all the stuff and seeing what every one else is doing... You know that cause I text you a bazillion times to say- did you see?!?!?  

My guts aren't original. I have all good intentions of doing my own things. But fear and shame shake my guts and say better stick to the plan. 

I guess just like you don't like to listen to your guts. I don't like to listen to my own ideas for fear that they aren't worthy or good enough. Why is that?!?!?  

Here is the deal- you need to listen to your guts  and I need to be brave and show my guts! 

In order to do that... 

You must be still!

I must be still. 

Listen to your heartbeat and the sound of your breathing and realize that you are enough! 

Our guts are so amazing, all by itself.  God gave us these guts- scared, jealous, brave, torn, cleansed, bloated whatever our guts look and feels like they are ours.  Authentic. No more denying our guts.  

So love your messy guts. I do! Be brave and take that next right step. Be still. And listen to your guts. They have a story to

tell. It's your story. Xo "

And with that I am out. Happy hump day. Love your guts. Listen to them. 

I'm Over it!

It is New Years Eve. 2015 is already gone and I really can't believe. I am truly getting older because time is flying. I once heard someone say that "Days are long, but years are short",  They were wise.

2016 is almost here. Well it is here.  I am 4 months into my 42nd year on this planet. I always reflect on things, too much I am sure, but at the end of the year you are really supposed to, right? So we write down all things we didn't do well, enough or even at all...and try to resolute them for the next year. That is a lot of pressure!!  Like too much pressure. It makes my heart beat faster and I start to sweat. So I am trying something different; for me anyway. I am gonna get over stuff in 2016.  The art of getting over the overs.

It surprisingly didn't take me too long to find the things I am over...doing! So here is my resolution, my list of things I want to work on, in or be done with ...

1. Over spending- Just stop. Be simple. Content. Less is more.

2. Over planning- a little spontaneity will do me good. Things are nice to look forward to but when I'm always planning the next thing, I miss out on the present.

3. Over doing- Live simply. See number 1.

4. Over sharing- This may or may not work since I blog and all that jazz. But hey, how about sharing other people's stories. Boom! yes. I am over that.

5. Over reacting- I will try really, really hard. 

6. Over sensitive- I know I feel things too deeply. I am overly passionate and enthusiastic. But it kinda makes me an empathetic bad ass. So, maybe I won't touch this one. I will just work on how I react (see number 5) when people say I am too sensitive... I will simply reply, thank you!

7. Over eating- This is a big one. Slow down. Be prepared to take the steps to help me not be tempted to over eat. Keep busy and get moving. These go hand in hand for me...if I am moving I won't eat. Sounds simple- but for me its always a battle.

8. Over thinking-  I will stop killing my own happiness. I will breathe and I will push the delete button and stop hitting replay in my head. It usually creates problems that don't exist so I will think less and do more.

9. Over judging- I will work on being an encourager instead of a critic. 

10. Over singing- Ha! This. IS. NOT. Going. To. Happen. I will turn it up and sing louder!

I know this list looks like  a lot - and I am a mess. But really, this list is just about moderation for me, I was chatting with my squad and that word came up; moderation. I suck at moderation. I am in all in girl. The lucky thing for me is that my squad... they are good at it. Unless it is mini powdered donuts then forget about it- I am an island.

So 2016, is going to be known as the year of enough. Not over anything, just enough.  I will continue to seek for the balance that I know I am capable of achieving.  After all, content is a nice way to be...

I will be fearless and bravish in my journey and I will continue to let Love be guiding force. I will relish and mustard in my daily life and make the most out of everyday. Bring on 2016.

Hello, Grief

This, I will apologize in advance for, because it is me - just writing. I will not edit. I will not mince words or feelings for fear I will say too much or over share.

I just have a lot to say.  You see 24 years ago my mom at the age of 46 died.  And every year since then it's like a punch in the throat. The emotions come crashing back and I cry in the shower,  in the bathroom, anywhere I can that no one will see because I think people will think I am stupid for missing this woman who gave me life after ALL these years.  

Truth is- wait for it. My pain. My story. It's not the same is yours and you don't get to own that part in my head anymore. So this is me telling you all that grief comes in so many different packages. 

I realize I am not the only one that has lost a parent - it's a natural thing. Kids bury parents. Parents don't bury kids.  But it still hurts. 

I took my sweet tween daughter to see a movie tonight. Gasp! Yes a school night!!! Judge me tomorrow... Love me tonight! 

I remember my mom taking me to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I have never seen any of those movies since. And I was sitting there with my daughter and her brown eyes looking at me in amazement of this movie... I feel that feeling in my stomach. That I don't want her to ever feel. Of being alone. And scared and angry. 

Every year on this date I do the same thing. I cry. I think how is this even possible that she is missing seeing her grandchildren grow up?  And my faith is tested and weak. And then a familiar song will play on the radio as a reminder from her to snap out of it. This is all part of a bigger plan. Bigger than you and me. And that even when I can't understand I have to trust THAT much more.

Makes no sense when you are crying in your Cheerios... But... 

So, here  I am - 24 years as a motherless daughter and I know this: 

1.Grief doesn't have an expiration date 

2. It sneaks up on me 

3. Lean into the pain instead of fighting it 

4. Oreos will make me laugh and cry 

5. Loss is a lifelong journey 

6. I will continue to mourn the memories she missed out on 

7. I will keep those memories we did make seared on my heart forever 

8. I will choose joy and sadness together.

9. The love we shared together doesn't have an expiration date either. 

10. Learn to swim

I found this quote

and it is so perfect- it explains the way I bob and weave or whip and nae nae through this crazy life missing my mom!  I learned to swim!!! Ahhhhh.  I made. It. I did that. Yessss!! 

 

daily reminder

It's been forever since I had the chance to blog. I'm in the thick of school and grading and well you know, life.  I looked around my house today when I got home at 5... And said who leaves here?!?! There is paper piles and laundry and empty toilet paper rolls. Does anyone see them but me????

I went back to my journals and found one I never published and it is funny how it  fits today... Maybe I shouldn't worry about changing and just accept that I am who I am. It is what it is. And love my life. All of it.  That's scary.  

Earlier this week I talked about "fizzing" out with a friend and I made up a plan to get through the week with out going flat. In the process of this I read a lot. There is something about reading one's words on a page and the sanctity of writing. It is like the writer has given you your own personal invite to share a piece of themselves with you. A pretty brave thing. It is what has encouraged me to write again.

On the other hand there is something special about when someone reads something and sends it to you and says...this made me think of you. and I thought you may like it, you need to hear it, you will laugh at it,  you will challenge it,  you can relate to this; add something to it, believe it or simply enjoy it! It's like a little love note. Who doesn't like love notes?

I received an article from a friend a while back that you can read here about Zelda Williams unveiling her tattoo in honor of her dad, Robin Williams. It is a hummingbird...and my heart skipped a beat. They truly are one of the most beautiful creatures. They remind to me to keep flying...to keep looking for the good even when I know I am fizzing out. They remind me to laugh...and when I see one I always smile. 

I guess what I want you to know today is that...things may be flat and dark and scary but when you are ready to - someone will be there to help you fly again. And it is hard work to fly. But

It is totally worth it. Think of all things you would be missing if you never left the ground?

So - here is my reminder:
Smile.
Don't give up- for too long!
Things may or may not get better.
You are enough!
It is what it is.
Embrace both the ugly and sweet.
You are beautiful!

The Fall

Do you remember where you were 14 years ago? I do- to the minute ...the square of carpet I was standing on to the click of my boots on the hard aisle as I went to the TV.  My heart still aches. 
Just like thousands and thousands of others we won't forget that moment when America fell.

When my heart hurts or people around me are hurting I fly into beast mode. I want to DO! Love in action. Answer the CALL.  I try and figure out how to make the hurt stop.

Ask any of my village and they will tell you I always ask "whats next?"

 But what I am learning in this journey is that maybe we don't need to always rush to action after a fall...

Which brings me to this amazing bad ass author Brene Brown whose book Rising Strong I am reading right now. Or I should say listening to... I'm totally phoning this one in and opted for a book being read to me by none other than the author herself. 

I'm only in chapter 9. I have like 82 left. But on the eve of 9/11 there is so much of that book that translates and makes me say yep. I got it. I get it. Good!!!!

In our life we have all these things that happen- crappy things. Not so good things and then there are amazing things right? They look different to everyone but they all give you the good bumps and make you say "ahhhhh".

But as we rise and fall and fall and rise things at least for me get a little clearer.

Hear me out: 

1. Blue skies and green lights are awesome. But they don't happen all the time. So we have to hit a few red lights and get caught in the rain without an umbrella to appreciate those sunny skies. 

2. We all want the quick fix and the hero stories, but isn't the real winning in that beautiful, hard, struggle where we are battling to get back up? Let's hear about that. 

3. Life isn't perfect. It's not easy and it's is certainly not fair when we are face down after a 50 story fall. But. There is a but - if you are brave enough to embrace the fall and rise again -that is where that sweet beauty is. 

14 years after the United States fell flat on its face and the wind was taken out of our lungs we are still getting back up. New struggles knock us down. The survivors and heroes of 9/11 are still showing up. A new memorial has risen. It personifies the rise and fall of this moment in history that no one will forget.

Thank you 9/11 and all those people that lost heir lives and their loved ones. The children of 9/11 that won't know their parents and the Heroes that sifted through ashes to give a family peace. 

On that heartbreaking day lives were changed forever.

So if you fall, come on you are human. You will fall. 

Embrace the fall

Pace yourself 

Adapt and overcome. 

This happens 15 times a day for me; and that's on a good day!!!  I fall. A lot.  

So take a deep breath. And never forget what that fall felt like.  The rise will be so much sweeter if we remember it with humility and unabandoned truth.