What's the word, hummingbird?

Someone said to me last week, you haven't written in a while. I smiled and said, I know! But that really wasn't the truth... I have written. A ton actually. In the middle of the night when I can't go back to sleep. In the middle of my love campaign, I write feverishly to love bigger and dream even bigger than that. I have been busy on all fronts...school, events, kids, spring cleaning* just like you! But I promise I am still writing.

Because of Good Will Hunting I wanted to make my life into a movie. It was 1997. I was in Connecticut. And I was convinced Ben was going to dump Gwyneth for me AND we were going to fall in love and WIN Oscar after Oscar for our clever writing styles!  But first I needed to write it all down.

I love to write.  It's the publishing part I suck at it. Are people reading? Do they like it? Am I making a difference? Is it inspiring people?  That my friends is the vulnerability, the need to be loved and be accepted by all that prevents me from publishing.

All of those things jump in and out of my brain, like a trampoline. But I write so much better than I speak. My brain goes too fast for my mouth and I stumble and skip all over the place.  I can start talking about a recipe but end up talking about sunglasses and the seven degrees of separation that got me to that place is enough for someone to call Uncle!!!!

Here are a few reasons why I write:

1. No one Can Interrupt Me
As I type or journal it is just me getting to say what I want to. No one can chime in- tell me their version, opinion or experience.  Call me selfish but I am interrupted daily... I am a mom.

2. Reflection
Writing helps me reflect on a situation or scenario and how I handled it or failed miserably at handling it. It allows to look back at times in my life that were happy and full of life and other times that my life was hard and messy.

3. Writing shows my Growth (or lack there of)
It is a given that writing allows me to be betterish. As I get older I am becoming more in touch with who I am and realizing that it is OK that I am not the Stepford version of a wife ( actually I am quite sure I am the furthest thing from) I mess up daily. I am okay with being not okay all the time. Imperfection. Everyone is imperfect. Not everyone is okay with that... I am. We are okay!

4. Writing makes me bravish
I can say things that I may not be able to say face to face. It gives me a platform to put my big girl panties on and say what I believe in and what I am willing to go to the mattresses for. (there is another list there and a post so stay tuned) Don't confuse that as weakness...it is just me being vulnerable about raw, authentic feelings that I sometimes can't verbalize.

5. Writing keeps my mind sharpish
Writing everyday allows my stream of conscious to flow and get better. It's important to find the words to communicate and the more I practice the better I get. Makes sense?


Do you remember when Matt Damon gets Minne Driver's number in the bar...  He says, to the haters...

"Do you like Apples? Because I got her numba... how do you like them apples!?"  I chuckle every time I hear it... and makes me fist pump...you GO MATT! woot woot!

He was the underdog, he didn't stop, he was brave (maybe a little reckless) and went after something he wanted.

So to my shame and my dark places... I SAY!  BOOM. I got my own numba!  This is my life, How you like me now?  WRITE. Right???

It has been too long since I actually published a post. I have missed you! I haven't stopped writing. I can't do that. It is the thing that keeps me feeling connected. Yes, you read right... as plugged in as I am to all the social media outlets they don't connect me to others. When I write I feel like I am reaching out and giving you all a hug... and somehow I reminded that we aren't alone in this crazy sweet life we have been given.

Thanks for flying by!

Share if you will...comment if you wish...come back again!

*I AM  NOT SPRING CLEANING. I should be...but who has time for that? If you do, great...just don't judge my windows or my winter clothes that are sandwiched in with my spring clothes hoping to see the light of day!

TOOT! TOOT!

I don't want to toot my own horn- but I am going to do it...TOOT! TOOT!

So consider this your warning to stop reading,  click the x and go about your biz. OR you can stick with me and hear what sometimes we all need to hear...and recognize that in all the crap, imperfect, dark and messy...there is a light. A beacon of hope that shows up in the least likely of places.

Parenting is a tough job and I realize that as they girls get older their problems will just get bigger. So I want you all to know that you can't stop. Keep doing your thing every day - as hard as it may be.  I think I raised the mommy flag three times before Wednesday this week. This was an exhausting week... it couldn't have come at a more needed moment.

I was reminded somewhere in between Columbia and Henry Street that its going to be OK. Today it was better than OK.

Daughter number one is in the front seat telling me about her day...she says that someone (a boy) gave her a compliment.

I said eyebrows raised... "Oh yeah, what did he say?

"He said I have to be the nicest girl in the whole school!?"

"WOW!", I said ,  "and what did you say to that?"

"I just said, not really...why do you think that? And then He said, 'Because you always hang out with us  even when no one thinks we are cool enough'."

I sat there...stunned. eyes, filled  with. tears. gripped the steering wheel and wondered what she was going to say next...and  then she just said it...

"So, I said to him, DON'T SAY THAT. I THINK YOU ARE COOL."

BOOM there it is... !!!! What? I mean come on that is the good stuff right? She is full of bravery and kindness? It is so good. I always call her my soft hearted one, a little quirky and sharp as a tack. Today I saw her as someone that isn't afraid of what others think- fun- and totally just plain awesome.  

I know that in between the yelling matches about good choices, and taking pride in yourself and to be your best self always...something is sinking in.*

So my friends... don't give up. You are doing an amazing job. Keep showing up for those babies and through all the mundane crap that no one tells you about when you get your parenting stripes, there is something beautiful and sweet waiting for us.  I think Cinderella was right, all you ever have to have courage and kindness. It goes a long way. 

For the record... I am tooting your horn too! Toot toot..beep beep. You are awesome today. 

*I will have you know that as I am writing this I am choosing to ignore the 3 alarm tantrum  daughter number one is throwing about brushing her sopping wet hair;  while daughter number two is taking puppy outside huffing and puffing the whole way.  See... all is back to  normal in my wonderful, messy and mundane universe. That is what I get for tooting my own horn.

Faith Freaks

Somedays, like everyday,  I like to think that I am in control of the scenario at hand. Truth is - God is chuckling at me and saying, seriously again?! And then He belts out the most awesome version of "Let it Go" and then I finally say, "Uncle!"  and He stops and says now go... Sing the tune all day long and guess what? I do. It's inevitable. Thank you Idina Menzel. I guess God knew what he was doing with that multi million dollar double platinum song! You are singing it right now, aren't you? 

I got to thinking what control and faith look like in my life with a big nudge from CHURCH this morning

That's why I love my church. 

Control is anxious. Faith is freeing.

Control is worry. Faith is trust.

Control is manipulative. Faith is responsible. 

Control is safe. Faith is reckless. 

Control holds on tight. Faith lets it go.

Control pushes you. Faith leads you. 

Control is restraint. Faith moves.

Control causes division. Faith makes you whole.

Control is the known. Faith is the unknown.

Control rushes you. Faith allows you to be still. 

Control causes overthinking. Faith prays. 

Faith is beautiful.  Faith is courageous. Faith is our love language with our God. 

Face it we are a bunch of people who like to control things or situations. 

We use a remote control to tell our electronics what to do - we use birth control to tell our bodies what to do - we use cruise control to monitor the speed we drive a car. 

Quality control helps manage the products we buy and make sure they are up to high standard... (I think I am okay with this one!) 

Control freaks! That's what we call people that have to have their fingers in every cookie jar and a say in everything. They manipulate situations and are on constant worry about stuff. Don't hear what I am not saying - having control can be a good thing... But not when it paralyzes our faith.  I've been there. Still am. But what if instead of control freaks we were faith freaks?!?

Day 164 - Ipsy loves Sipsy

This happened on day 165. Which I find so freaking ironic as I am working on my love does project someone DOES for me. Not really for me- but I get to spread her kindness! How totally cool is that? I found myself utterly speechless. And what do I do when I can't find the words?  I write. 

Yesterday I made myself walk to get the mail in this obscene weather we are having. There was two days worth of mail in there and I could see bills. Yuck.  But tucked in between was a beautiful pink striped envelope that made me instantly think about my college roommate.

Was it from her? 

It could only be from one person and as soon as I saw the handwriting I knew my lady had sent me a letter.

I got so excited that I almost forgot how cold it was outside. My heart was warming me up from the inside out. Imagine my delight as I took off my gloves and opened it right there and  in my frenzy something falls to the snow... a donation!!! It was for the fundraiser we are working on to love on a beautiful girl and her family. It was there in the snow. Beautiful and untouched and intentions pure. My sweet "lady's"  heart was broken for this family and she was moved to action. She was moved to do. I cried. Love doesn't understand boundaries or distance. Just love. Like Anna did for me and she warmed me from the inside out. 

I poured myself a glass of wine and this is how I am starting my weekend at the end of day 164. Eternally grateful for my Sipsy.  

I toast you my sweet friend.  Cheers! Salud! Mazle Tov! Salute!  

It's too good not to share. It's just too damn good. 

When you get a nudging to do something - don't wait.  Just do.  Love does.  

Day 166

My love campaign is in full swing and some days have been bigger than others or less eventful but some biggish love stuff is happening:

 

Day 180 - We said goodbye to COCO who showed us what unconditional love looked like for the last 10 years ... A very sad love day.  But we hugged. A lot. 

Day 179- brought soup and biscuits to our sweet neighbor who recently lost her  mom

Day 176 - I didn't yell once today.  I know that because my girls both told me before they went to bed. Love witnesses too!

Day 175 - reached out to someone who needed prayers. Love prays. 

Day 171- I baked today. I showed my love by baking someone their favorite treat.  Love bakes.

Day 169 - sent a love note to someone I care about. Reminding them that they are enough. Love reminds. 

So fast forward to today,  day 166. 

It is also snow day # 7.

My love campaign may be in full swing but I am feeling a little out of control these days.  Too many emotions. Not enough boxes to put them in. I'm a little bloodied. Loving is hard work. It hurts sometimes.  I am showing love and grace daily but I am messing up dailly too. And it's funny how things bring up old wounds that I think have been scabbed over and healed.  The scab gets bumped and the hurt oozes out a little.  

And then on a Monday, day 168, this morning I can't find a headband and I start screaming like a banchee and slamming drawers and turning baskets over.  I did it.  Oh my friends it was so ugly and loveless.  I found a headband not the right one but it would have to do.  I started yelling and blaming the girls for not putting things in the right place. And on and on ... They just stared at me with those big brown eyes.  I did it. Again. I said hurtful things and yelled after I told them I would try not too do it anymore. 

Daughter #2 tells me that my headband looks beautiful and I am always pretty. 

Jesus. Mary.  And Joseph.  There it was. 

She just showed me what love does. 

It forgives. 

So I cried on the way to school instead of participating in dance party and I said I was sorry.  I shouldn't have gotten so upset and yelled. And I told them both how I should have handled it - the lost headband situation.  And they both say... 

"It's okay mom... Now dance!!!!"

Whoop there it is. Love. 

So my owies scabbed over. And then the snow fell. Again. Husband left and the girls get cranky and for me I sometimes like the space that his job gives us. But this week not so much - I'm feeling a little abandoned and needy. 

I am recognizing disloyalty and it knocks off a scab and blood just gushes out and I'm hurting again. I am wondering how people that are suppose to show love are disloyal for their own gains.  Tough question, right?  So I clean out a closet and bake some bread and I try to make sense if it. But I can't. It still hurts. 

So love confuses too. 

So I may be bloodied and beaten up and confused but love has shown me that it forgives and it nudges me daily to keep fighting to DO.  Even when I shake my head in confusion at others action I must just love them anyway. And remember to not to confuse the people I LOVE with my actions. Capish?

Love is also listening to daughters practice the recorder. And not wanting to break it in half.  Work in progress. Love is happening. Here. 

Day 182- Coco Love

I feel bad today. I am supposed to be lifting people up and showing love and albeit ultimately this WILL be about showing love and doing the next right thing it just wasn't the way I expected my first love project post to look like. Unfortunately for you my love posts are falling on a time where love hurts. Our sweet chocolate lab Coco is sick and the medicine isn't working and she is increasingly becoming lethargic and less spunky and well, less herself. She turned ten years old this past November. Husband and I found her at a rescue near our home and she has stuck with us ever since.

The pit is growing in my stomach as I recall yesterdays events and how my husband crawled in the backseat to comfort daughter #2 as she realized as much as her eight year old brain would allow that Coco wasn't getting better and that meant heaven was the next stop. I cried as I watched them walk with her down our road. A road Coco frequented freely and daily...she is the gypsy of our neighborhood, fierce protector, hates fed ex trucks, loves peanut butter and cheese but simply loves her family more than all of that.

As we as a family figure out what the next best thing to do is for our beloved family pet we are laughing and crying and remembering silly things that Coco has done to leave her paw prints on our heart forever. Love does hurt sometimes and I think that is a tough lesson to learn. Glennon Melton over at momastery.com is the resident love bad ass. She says that life is both beautiful and brutal...and coined the easy phrase brutiful. The next few days or weeks will be that for the girls I am sure...and we will do the best we can to let them bob and weave through the emotions of losing a family pet.

I found this article in my arsenal of saved reminders on how to live, love and let live... Dogs are pretty smart and  this was a perfect time to share it... Enjoy. My favorites... #1, 4 and 9.
Stay with me players...

Love in my hand

On this heart day where people are talking about love and what their significant other is doing to celebrate the love that is shining so bright in their village... I am giving myself a gift.  I am loving myself enough to lean into this crazy idea. Staying true to my passions.  I am starting a new project for the next 182 days. It looks like this... For the next six months I will post about what I did to love big on that given day.  Love, it's a word that is thrown around a lot - but what do we do to show love?  Do not roll your eyes or hit x. Stay with me here.

I need a deadline because you all know I am a serial fizzer outer read here  to catch up! I figure if it is out there in the Internet abyss for you all to see then maybe I will finish it.  And show some people love along the way.  And maybe no one will read it or care. That is kinda scary. But I'm doing it anyway. Authentic. All the way.

So I am now responsible for actually living out my mantra... Love big or go home.  

I don't know what it is going to look like- maybe I will want to put a fork in my eye by day five. I am hoping it motivates me to continue my trek through the trenches and build my love empire and continue to conquer the walls I tear down and build again and again.  My dream is, for one day the walls will come down forever and I will feel safe and loved in my own skin to just BE. 

Today was a good love day.  I have a twisted affair with food and my husband loves my homemade italian meatballs - I don't make them often. They are messy and time consuming and frankly I have to have just the right ingredients for my grandmothers recipe. It goes hand in hand with "THE Sauce" and I'm not talking Ragu. It's a labor of love. The girls helped me all day and prepared for his homecoming. I made him meatballs, spaghetti, amazing bruschetta and a delicious dessert pizza. I had to make him think he wasn't getting a warm cooked meal - enter maniacal laugh. Imagine his delight when he opened the pizza box and found this 

He was happy.  So today that is what I did to show him that yes... I do love you. 

Look here, I am not always loving big.  In fact there are days when it is dark and swampy in my world and love is just a word that means nothing. I am snappy and my face gets squished up and wrinkles appear in places that I didn't know I had. I am jumpy and yelly and impatient. Don't forget judgy.    I want to love.  To love. I want to love big and do.  So this is where my passion meets paper.  I have 182 days to get it right in some small way and or big way to show that love does win! 

Maybe you are out there and asking what the heck is she thinking? I know, right! But there is a job to do. And I am choosing to take on this love project.  To love my God, love myself, love my husband and daughters and love my village ... just to start.  

182 days to love and share my progress with you does seem a little daunting.   I may go flat before I even start but I'm willing to try.  Love does.  And I am ready to do.  

Stick with me players. This could get interesting!