Hope vs. Expectation

I am baffled by people's behavior sometimes. Even at the age of 41, I scratch my head. The way people act  sometimes leaves me dizzy.  Like I was just hit by a 2x4. BAM. OUCH.

Oh calm down, there are things that I have done in the midst of crisis, or jubliation or a case of the vodkas that I am not proud of - what I am trying to figure out is how I respond or better yet have the courage to not respond to people's behavior.

What I want to do is this - clench my fists and scream, WHAT THE WHAT?

I want to lash out at them.. but that isn't the right thing to do. Even though it would make me feel better. For a minute. I could text them and probably say everything that I would never say to their face... Yeah, that is it! I am tough!  (not really, BULLY BEHAVIOR)

The truth is this...expectation is killing people's joy.  For instance. if you expect something grand and then don't receive it - is it really the people's fault around you?

NO!

Because you didn't tell them what you expected... and they just went about their business.  You may be hurt or disappointed but that unfulfilled expectation was put there by you.

Total JOY KILLER.

When I worked in retail management we had an "Expectation List". It was something we shared with new hires to help them ease into their jobs and what was expected of them. It was clear and concise and consistent. It helped to bridge the gap for the new employees.  It gave direction if they had questions about what they were expected to do and hopefully they would exceed those expectations on their own accord. Makes sense, right??

So would it be easier if people came with expectation lists? Or maybe we handed them out like Oprah, You get my list and here's another and another.... Hmmmmm, I don't know. Maybe we just need to shift our focus. Maybe just zero in on our own achievement and work on exceeding those expectations with excellence- NOT PERFECTION.

And then we can learn to NOT expect things from people. Keep those low and your own disappointment won't be followed by  a giant size tantrum. I know it is hard. Especially if you are a recovering people pleaser.

When you pray do you expect GOD to answer those prayers? I did, early on in my relationship, now I just hope.

Hope is powerful. HOPE IS COURAGE WITH WINGS.  It is when you want something to happen and when it does, you are actually really happy. JOY! This is something you weren't guaranteed so it is a true gift, a bonus. But when it doesn't happen, it's completely okay because you knew all along that it most likely would not happen.

Along with expectation comes that idea that you are entitled to something. AND when it doesn't you are let down.  BIG TIME. And if it does happen you aren't genuinely happy or experiencing joy because you expected it. JOY KILLER. Life is way too short to be joy killin' and stuff!

So instead of being a bravish and kind grown up you go ahead and invite everyone to your JOY KILLER party. On the menu, a huge serving of guilt with a side of nasty.  I so GET THAT.  I know when I am hurt I want to hurt people too... But I am working on that. That is why I signed up for the KICK-ASS Courage project. People aren't going to KILL MY JOY.

We Should do that together...lets be better together. Sign up with me here for a seven day challenge to be Courageous! And then watch this!

So lets not expect anything from others...only raise your own expectations of yourself. Achievements, goals, milestones. They don't have to be big or lofty goals either... start out small like, I am not going to say a curse word today or I am going to drink more water! And then work up to the big stuff... LIKE, I am enough!

HOPE IS GOOD. COURAGE IS GOOD. LET'S DO SOME OF THAT INSTEAD.

Nothing is Something

I woke up this morning and instead of beginning my day in devotion and gratitude for the sun shining and it being a no alarm day I immediately grabbed my phone to start coordinating pick ups and drops offs for this evenings activities. LAME. I am so mad at myself and feeling uber convicted because I have invited "Bizzie" into my families home. She has a guest room, clean towels, free reign of the kitchen, couches, TV, not to mention the deck to watch the horses in the field and the girls bikes too. Because we aren't around to use them. "Bizzie" has taken over my house.

It happens every spring. End of school year and daughters activities collide.  Please don't hear what I am not saying - I love the choices the girls have made. One activity  each and it makes me happy to see them do their "thing".

I just want to do something and that is NOTHING.

So when my church started this series called, There's An Elephant in the Room (TAEINTR) I knew it was going to be a doozy. Maybe it would be just what we needed to get a little control over "Bizzie" and help her vacate so we could relax and get control of our household again.   

We try really hard to be intentional about our family time especially with Husband out of town all week. But man we are failing... With something on the calendar every week night the last several weeks and our weekends packed too I find myself just begging for canceled practice or a rain out.   Don't judge me. Or go ahead and judge me... your choice. But I am speaking truth.When God brings rain down and a tweet tells me practice is canceled - I KNOW I am not the only momma doing the "cancel dance"!!

I love to see my daughter dance.  It is her joy.  I love to see my daughter play softball. She wants nothing more than to play hard. I won't take that away. I just want a little breathing room. Just so we can do NOTHING. TOGETHER.   

Shut the front door. Lose the keys. Unplug. Eat Waffles. Not the frozen boxed kind either. Like, take the waffle maker down and make your family some "I've got all the time in the world waffles" !!! God forbid. Stop the glorification of busy. 

Please watch THIS . It speaks straight through to my heart like Bon Jovi. And I am to blame. We will get it right. This helped us recognize some things we can do better as a family.  And then we will mess up. And then we will try again. It's like the shampoo cycle of life.  Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I'm okay with that.  Try. Mess up. Try again. I don't really like Bizzie. But you know who I love? Grace!!!!!!  

And maybe  Bon Jovi!!!  Yes. I love him too. 

Happy Tuesday. 

I get it now, Mom

I found myself in a puddle the size of Texas earlier this week. The girls were in bed and I crawled into my bed sobbing. I just couldn't get my emotions in check. I am okay with crying, I am okay with not being okay, I am okay with recognizing that there are days when extra grace is required when dealing with me. What I am not okay with is when I can't figure out why my heart is aching and it hurts to breathe.

You know that feeling? The one you may get after you ran a long distance, or when I was younger playing in the smog filled air of OC, or the feeling of missing someone so much that hole is so big and wide and as much as I try to fill it up with good and love and rainbows and unicorns it just escapes. Thats the feeling. Now do you recognize it? Yep me too...it creeps up on me when I least expect it.

It sucks to miss someone after all these years...and it overcomes me like a big powerful wave. It knocks me to knees, tumbling around and gasping for air all along getting sand...everywhere. I finally manage to get my feet under neath me, and my head above water but not until another wave knocks me down again. I usually fight pretty hard when I am under water and I'm not willing to give into the flood of emotion - BUT this time I gave in.

I grabbed my treasure box of things that I haven't touched in years. I see it everyday- its there in my closet on the shelf where I throw our sheets and my winter sweaters. I conciously look at it every day.

Well, last night I climbed up there and I reached out for it. It was covered in dust. And I opened it and as soon as I did it was like I could smell her.  My mom. Her Jean Nate. Her sweet pink lipstick. Her Arbonne face products. They all came back to me after all these years.

My last mother's day with her was May, 12, 1991. I was a senior in High School. I don't know what we did that day, I have no idea. I can't remember. But I do know what my mom was feeling that day; because she wrote me a letter:

Life is full of ups and downs and many times there are more downs than ups- you fight me about going to church to visit with God but remember our faith is what keeps us together and we surely can't only look for the Lord in times of trouble; we need to always have HIM in our heart and on our side so that the bad times are bearable. There is so much I'd like to say to you but you always are ready to slash out at me and I can't stand that hurt when you make faces at me. I sometimes feel like giving up... but that is not my technique and that is why we clash so much. I do want you to be strong and brave and don't let anyone tell you you aren't someone. You are what you make yourself. I am hurting and scared but I love you. I have faith that we will be okay no matter what happens.  
I know I may not be around to see what God has in store for you...but I wan't you to remember this. I love you. I am a mother because of you. My daughter of mine. I hope you will experience the joys and tears and pain and laughter that comes with being a mom. It isn't always fun but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I hope I get to cash in on more moments with you. If not,  what we have shared will last a lifetime my brave girl.
Love ya, Yours Truly and  all that jazz, 
MOM


Mother's Day is upon us and I know it is always a bittersweet day for many- and that is okay. it shouldn't be a hallmark holiday unless you want it to be. I found some  photos of my mom in my treasured moments box and I thought I would share.

I love this picture of my mom, her mom and her sister. All of them are together in heaven. This was my baby shower in August of 1973. The surprised look was because they all flew in from Pennslyvania to be with her on this special day.  They showed up for her.  I am sure that she knew that she was adored that day. By the way- could she be any cuter in her navy blue and white polka dot  shift dress???

Snowball fight in the mountains. Funny how I now live in a place that has seasons- when I grew up the only snow we knew was in the mountains and when we visited family in Pennsylvania. I love my crinkled up nose as I anticipate the snow. Pure uninhibited joy! 

This picture is simply so precious to me- and it isn't even me...I am watching as my brother is baptized in 1978. But please stop, look at that woman's face. ahhh, my heart busts right open again to see so much love in her eyes.


As I celebrate my 10th mother's day as a mommy and my 24th as a motherless daughter I
wrote my mom a letter back... as a tribute to her and me and our moments.

Yo Mom!
Mothering is hard work. I get it now. Not so much when I was 17. But now, phew I get it. I understand the glares, and the yelling matches and the mumbling under the breath. I get the "is this your best" talks, and the "you can do it" cheerleader moments. I get the "you made a bad choice and now you have to pay the consequence" discussions that rip your heart out and wish you could make it all go away. But mostly I want you to know I get the I love you no matter what moments. Between pick up and drop offs, chores and cuddling. I get those moment when nothing else matters because my girls know that they are loved. I want the same for them as you wanted for me all those years ago... I love you for pushing me and nagging me and teaching me how to fold sheets (I don't fold them, But I do know how thanks to you) Things are different than I thought they would be and I miss you terribly. But I am grateful every day for the moments we had...even the not so good  moments. They made me who I am today- all jacked up and built to love big.  I am mothering the best way I know how- and I just want you to know I get it. Thanksfor not giving up on me. Our moments are lasting a lifetime and I am bravish. I will do my best not to screw it up.
Love ya right back, pretty eyes and all that jazz,
SL


To all the women out there moms or not - celebrate with and for each other. Show the ones you love who you are in the messy, tired, scared moments and the fantastical sweet moments too. It is who we are. It is who our kids, our villages, our people need to see. Let them get it. Show them that someone will be there if they feel like giving up. Be their cheerleader!  It is our most important work to love one another and make sure they all know that someone adores them. Get that thing right. Nothing else matters.

So tomorrow I plan to get me some rest and be still even if it is for a few moments. I will probably partake in a cocktail or two and share life with my family and village.  I am grateful I gave in to my tears...it allowed me to let some more love in.

What's the word, hummingbird?

Someone said to me last week, you haven't written in a while. I smiled and said, I know! But that really wasn't the truth... I have written. A ton actually. In the middle of the night when I can't go back to sleep. In the middle of my love campaign, I write feverishly to love bigger and dream even bigger than that. I have been busy on all fronts...school, events, kids, spring cleaning* just like you! But I promise I am still writing.

Because of Good Will Hunting I wanted to make my life into a movie. It was 1997. I was in Connecticut. And I was convinced Ben was going to dump Gwyneth for me AND we were going to fall in love and WIN Oscar after Oscar for our clever writing styles!  But first I needed to write it all down.

I love to write.  It's the publishing part I suck at it. Are people reading? Do they like it? Am I making a difference? Is it inspiring people?  That my friends is the vulnerability, the need to be loved and be accepted by all that prevents me from publishing.

All of those things jump in and out of my brain, like a trampoline. But I write so much better than I speak. My brain goes too fast for my mouth and I stumble and skip all over the place.  I can start talking about a recipe but end up talking about sunglasses and the seven degrees of separation that got me to that place is enough for someone to call Uncle!!!!

Here are a few reasons why I write:

1. No one Can Interrupt Me
As I type or journal it is just me getting to say what I want to. No one can chime in- tell me their version, opinion or experience.  Call me selfish but I am interrupted daily... I am a mom.

2. Reflection
Writing helps me reflect on a situation or scenario and how I handled it or failed miserably at handling it. It allows to look back at times in my life that were happy and full of life and other times that my life was hard and messy.

3. Writing shows my Growth (or lack there of)
It is a given that writing allows me to be betterish. As I get older I am becoming more in touch with who I am and realizing that it is OK that I am not the Stepford version of a wife ( actually I am quite sure I am the furthest thing from) I mess up daily. I am okay with being not okay all the time. Imperfection. Everyone is imperfect. Not everyone is okay with that... I am. We are okay!

4. Writing makes me bravish
I can say things that I may not be able to say face to face. It gives me a platform to put my big girl panties on and say what I believe in and what I am willing to go to the mattresses for. (there is another list there and a post so stay tuned) Don't confuse that as weakness...it is just me being vulnerable about raw, authentic feelings that I sometimes can't verbalize.

5. Writing keeps my mind sharpish
Writing everyday allows my stream of conscious to flow and get better. It's important to find the words to communicate and the more I practice the better I get. Makes sense?


Do you remember when Matt Damon gets Minne Driver's number in the bar...  He says, to the haters...

"Do you like Apples? Because I got her numba... how do you like them apples!?"  I chuckle every time I hear it... and makes me fist pump...you GO MATT! woot woot!

He was the underdog, he didn't stop, he was brave (maybe a little reckless) and went after something he wanted.

So to my shame and my dark places... I SAY!  BOOM. I got my own numba!  This is my life, How you like me now?  WRITE. Right???

It has been too long since I actually published a post. I have missed you! I haven't stopped writing. I can't do that. It is the thing that keeps me feeling connected. Yes, you read right... as plugged in as I am to all the social media outlets they don't connect me to others. When I write I feel like I am reaching out and giving you all a hug... and somehow I reminded that we aren't alone in this crazy sweet life we have been given.

Thanks for flying by!

Share if you will...comment if you wish...come back again!

*I AM  NOT SPRING CLEANING. I should be...but who has time for that? If you do, great...just don't judge my windows or my winter clothes that are sandwiched in with my spring clothes hoping to see the light of day!

TOOT! TOOT!

I don't want to toot my own horn- but I am going to do it...TOOT! TOOT!

So consider this your warning to stop reading,  click the x and go about your biz. OR you can stick with me and hear what sometimes we all need to hear...and recognize that in all the crap, imperfect, dark and messy...there is a light. A beacon of hope that shows up in the least likely of places.

Parenting is a tough job and I realize that as they girls get older their problems will just get bigger. So I want you all to know that you can't stop. Keep doing your thing every day - as hard as it may be.  I think I raised the mommy flag three times before Wednesday this week. This was an exhausting week... it couldn't have come at a more needed moment.

I was reminded somewhere in between Columbia and Henry Street that its going to be OK. Today it was better than OK.

Daughter number one is in the front seat telling me about her day...she says that someone (a boy) gave her a compliment.

I said eyebrows raised... "Oh yeah, what did he say?

"He said I have to be the nicest girl in the whole school!?"

"WOW!", I said ,  "and what did you say to that?"

"I just said, not really...why do you think that? And then He said, 'Because you always hang out with us  even when no one thinks we are cool enough'."

I sat there...stunned. eyes, filled  with. tears. gripped the steering wheel and wondered what she was going to say next...and  then she just said it...

"So, I said to him, DON'T SAY THAT. I THINK YOU ARE COOL."

BOOM there it is... !!!! What? I mean come on that is the good stuff right? She is full of bravery and kindness? It is so good. I always call her my soft hearted one, a little quirky and sharp as a tack. Today I saw her as someone that isn't afraid of what others think- fun- and totally just plain awesome.  

I know that in between the yelling matches about good choices, and taking pride in yourself and to be your best self always...something is sinking in.*

So my friends... don't give up. You are doing an amazing job. Keep showing up for those babies and through all the mundane crap that no one tells you about when you get your parenting stripes, there is something beautiful and sweet waiting for us.  I think Cinderella was right, all you ever have to have courage and kindness. It goes a long way. 

For the record... I am tooting your horn too! Toot toot..beep beep. You are awesome today. 

*I will have you know that as I am writing this I am choosing to ignore the 3 alarm tantrum  daughter number one is throwing about brushing her sopping wet hair;  while daughter number two is taking puppy outside huffing and puffing the whole way.  See... all is back to  normal in my wonderful, messy and mundane universe. That is what I get for tooting my own horn.

Faith Freaks

Somedays, like everyday,  I like to think that I am in control of the scenario at hand. Truth is - God is chuckling at me and saying, seriously again?! And then He belts out the most awesome version of "Let it Go" and then I finally say, "Uncle!"  and He stops and says now go... Sing the tune all day long and guess what? I do. It's inevitable. Thank you Idina Menzel. I guess God knew what he was doing with that multi million dollar double platinum song! You are singing it right now, aren't you? 

I got to thinking what control and faith look like in my life with a big nudge from CHURCH this morning

That's why I love my church. 

Control is anxious. Faith is freeing.

Control is worry. Faith is trust.

Control is manipulative. Faith is responsible. 

Control is safe. Faith is reckless. 

Control holds on tight. Faith lets it go.

Control pushes you. Faith leads you. 

Control is restraint. Faith moves.

Control causes division. Faith makes you whole.

Control is the known. Faith is the unknown.

Control rushes you. Faith allows you to be still. 

Control causes overthinking. Faith prays. 

Faith is beautiful.  Faith is courageous. Faith is our love language with our God. 

Face it we are a bunch of people who like to control things or situations. 

We use a remote control to tell our electronics what to do - we use birth control to tell our bodies what to do - we use cruise control to monitor the speed we drive a car. 

Quality control helps manage the products we buy and make sure they are up to high standard... (I think I am okay with this one!) 

Control freaks! That's what we call people that have to have their fingers in every cookie jar and a say in everything. They manipulate situations and are on constant worry about stuff. Don't hear what I am not saying - having control can be a good thing... But not when it paralyzes our faith.  I've been there. Still am. But what if instead of control freaks we were faith freaks?!?

Day 164 - Ipsy loves Sipsy

This happened on day 165. Which I find so freaking ironic as I am working on my love does project someone DOES for me. Not really for me- but I get to spread her kindness! How totally cool is that? I found myself utterly speechless. And what do I do when I can't find the words?  I write. 

Yesterday I made myself walk to get the mail in this obscene weather we are having. There was two days worth of mail in there and I could see bills. Yuck.  But tucked in between was a beautiful pink striped envelope that made me instantly think about my college roommate.

Was it from her? 

It could only be from one person and as soon as I saw the handwriting I knew my lady had sent me a letter.

I got so excited that I almost forgot how cold it was outside. My heart was warming me up from the inside out. Imagine my delight as I took off my gloves and opened it right there and  in my frenzy something falls to the snow... a donation!!! It was for the fundraiser we are working on to love on a beautiful girl and her family. It was there in the snow. Beautiful and untouched and intentions pure. My sweet "lady's"  heart was broken for this family and she was moved to action. She was moved to do. I cried. Love doesn't understand boundaries or distance. Just love. Like Anna did for me and she warmed me from the inside out. 

I poured myself a glass of wine and this is how I am starting my weekend at the end of day 164. Eternally grateful for my Sipsy.  

I toast you my sweet friend.  Cheers! Salud! Mazle Tov! Salute!  

It's too good not to share. It's just too damn good. 

When you get a nudging to do something - don't wait.  Just do.  Love does.