Books...

Today is about books. I like books. I can not lie. I had to. You know I did. I found this on Etsy. You bet I am adding it to my wish list for Christmas!

Any whoooooo, back to post. I am raising two avid readers and I hope that doesn't change. I love to read anything... books, blogs, articles, childrens books, the list goes on and on.

One of my most vivid memories of my Mom was when she would hide in the living room and read for hours on the weekend. Her choice was the newspaper...she would save them all up from the week and read them until her hands were black from the print. She would be in her pajamas all day. In between her reading we would have "cooching" moments.  That is where me and my brother would snuggle with her, get loved on, squeezed on and she would share what she was reading. I loved to "cooch". I am convinced that is why I love to read.

Here is my 7 books for you today in my intentional me countdown:

  

  

I could seriously go on for hours...the Love Languages, Hunger Games Series, Heaven is for Real, Gone Girl, Glitter and Glue, Big Girl Panties... I have started and stopped several books. There is a list of books I want to read and must read and can't wait to read.   I have been know to have 3 or 4 started at any given time...that is from my squirrliness and my possible fizzer outer diagnosis. 

Books have meant different things to me at different points in my life too... some were read for survival, others read to just escape or disappear, some were read to learn or teach and others were read for pure enjoyment. 

Ultimately reading gives me hope. Hope that the next page will be better than the last...and if it isn't  I will keep turning the page. 

What are you reading? 

READ ON!

I fear...

I don't typically think I fear a lot of things...but as I intentionally sat down to write this I realized that I am fearful of quite a few things. And then I wondered how do I get over those fears...it seems like a no brainer to me. It is absolutely necessary for me to completely trust in GOD. If I trust in HIM then I am refusing to give in to the fear. When I feel fear closing in I will remember to turn to HIM  and fear less...be fearless. God's got this. Whatever this looks like. Today my fears look and feel like this:

I fear:

dying young

the unknown

heights...yes, I don't know when that happened- but it did.

failing the ones I love

losing my freedom

being rejected 

not loving enough

not being brave enough

Today I want to be fearless and embrace brave, fierce women that have gone after things here and there and are making a way in this world...or I could just curl up on the couch and watch my DVR. 

Whatever my choice I will do it fearlessly and intentionally. These next few days are mine. 

I love...

Funny how things work. Today is Intentional Me- Day 2 and I am supposed to be intentional about love.

And when I came to work I found this on my desk. It is a gift from a dear friend - she gets me - its a sign that simply reads...LOVE WINS.

I did a happy dance!  And guess what? It is pretty simple! It does win...it is not always easy. But love is big and good and bold and imperfect and it will take anyone down that messes with it... So I am ready and armed with my intentional love notions...here it goes...

I love:

the ocean. It is so huge and beautiful and is a reminder of how awesome my God is.

my ability to empathize and feel for someone - notice I didn't say I love to fix problems I can't claim to be good at that

my sweet girls being healthy and happy 

my village
sugar and caffeine but I hate that I know how equally bad they are for me
my partner in life and the fact that everyday is another chance to get it right

to read...it stirs up passion, creativity and emotion

ridiculous joys and creating that for others
that every imperfect person or situation has something to offer and teach me ...imperfect me

There you have it 9 of the million and one things I love and feel grateful for.

What do you love?  Feel free to share or comment...

Join me tomorrow for day three...fears. 

I wish...

Today's ten wishes or secrets I don't think are very secret at all.  Today is the 19th of November it packs the most punch of any of my days. 23 years ago my 46 year old mom died of cancer.

She was way too young, I was way too young to be motherless and my brother was even younger than the both of us to be without her...not to mention my sweet dad, her husband, who adored her in ways I still can't comprehend.

So my 10 intentional wishes look like this ...

I WISH

 I lived on this earth longer with my mom than without her 

The responsibility of raising daughters without a mother didn't scare me everyday

I could continue her traditions without sometimes resenting the fact she isn't here to help me

She could have met her grandchildren

I could listen to Garth Brooks, Neil Diamond or Kenny Rogers without my heartbreaking on the inside

I could thank her for teaching me about friendship

that I never give up

She could taste my lasagna

I wish she could have had a Pinterest account...it would have blown her mind

I could share a glass of wine, a hug and a prayer with her one last time

found on anthropologie.com

Don't cry for me...or be sad for me...I am making my way. I am okay with having a meltdown once in a while...it is what helps me seek out the sweet on days when I need to be reminded of it most.

What are your wishes? 

Intentionality

In the parking garage of the hotel we stood and said our goodbyes. Again. Hugged again. Said goodbye again. It was a round robin of endless goodbyes and each one hurt more.  I started crying. Then she started crying.  She being my sister... My brothers wife.  No need to attach in law. Because we are sisters. I hugged her one last time through the sobs and said we have to continue to be intentional.  And she smiled and and nodded and the tears continued to fall. I squeezed my little man one last time and heard his sweet voice sing to me saying his I love yous. 

No one said a word until we got onto I-55 towards St. Louis. The wind was ruthless and it made for a longer than normal drive. Back home.  It was blowing me back to being with those people I love. 

Being intentional is crucial to surviving the void of living away from the people you love. I'm good at it sometimes. Need to make reminders most times. And feel eternally grateful that those people I love that live far away just get me (even after months of minimal contact) all the time. 

The busy of our lives and the distance can make it hard to stay cued in but when you add intentionality it changes everything. Social media helps.  It hurts sometimes but if used right... It makes distance almost non existent and I don't miss a beat of my nephew growing up. And when he sees his uncle in the hallway of the hotel he will instantly recognize him and yell uncle dennisssssssss. (Sorry guests of the Sheraton in downtown Chicago, it was one of the sweetest moments of the whole trip!) 

So I try to create a habit of being intentional...I make lists. I brainstorm. I sketch. I write. It allows me to clear the fog in my head and return gives me the space to breathe. Writing itself is intentional. I have to sit down and write.  It's a great habit- for me. It forces you to deal with thoughts and feelings that you may not normally want to. It is freeing for me.  I can feel the warmth returning to my wings after being in a deep freeze watching the Fighting Irish in South Bend, Indiana not fight at all.  You can bet that our next intention trip will be warm!  Maybe even tropical.  

I am always blue after goodbyes. I know It is what it is. And I begin to carry on. Tonight I checked somethings off my bucket list. And I added a few things too. Intentionality.  It's a sweet way to live. 

I am going to suggest a intentional you challenge... For the next 10 days I'm going to make a list about me... You should do it too!

Day 1-10 secrets or wishes

Day 2- 9 loves

Day 3- 8 fears 

Day 4 - 7 books

Day 5 - 6 places

Day 6 - 5 foods

Day 7- 4 wants 

Day 8 - 3 songs 

Day 9 - 2 movies

Day 10 - 1 picture of yourself 

I hope you join me! I'll be humming along being intentional. 

Heroes and Villians

Why am I wanting to live in the sharp jagged edges these days?  You know that scene in Maleficent when she (Maleficent) gets burnt by iron when she shakes Stefan's hand? If you haven't seen it...you must. It's our favorite movie right now...I think we have watched it at least 3 times... Don't judge. It's about heroes and villains...you can't get much more perfect imperfection than that.

Sorry, squirrel moment! Anyway, after she tells him that iron burns fairies...he doesn't hesitate. He simply throws his ring and casts it away. Are you kidding me? He didn't even think about it...instinctual!  What an amazing gesture! What if we could do that for ourselves? What if we could do that for our own people? What if, when we know each other's weaknesses instead of using it against each other,  we immediately throw our hands in the air and yell... off limits???  It's not that easy; but it should be!

I think  there is a little of villain in all of us...and that's okay. I know there is a big villian in me. I made a list of my hero and villian traits. You should make one! It's scary. And exhilarating! And freaking real.  That is the imperfect part. The perfect part is when we get it right and rise above. And figure out how to be brave against our villains. Whom ever or what ever they may be- it may even be you!   So stop. Yell, OFF LIMITS!!!   And be a hero. Even if it is for just a few moments or longer... Just keep working at it.  

And for the days when you are edgy, and feeling like a villain...think about the pain and try to cast it away.  Pray it doesn't last.  Call on your village to lift you up. 

So my fellow heroes and villains, in the words of Kurt Vonnegut:

"Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place."

New Sheriff in Town

My heart was yanked from my body last week, as my almost 10 year old,  asked the question I wasn't prepared to answer. Ever.  And with the holidays looming around the corner...I should have known.

It went like this:  "Mom, me and my friends have been talking... (Oh God!) and I want to know if YOU are the tooth fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa??"

 For the love of freaking fudgcicles!!!! No.  Not on a Sunday at 9:30pm.

I was stunned. I stared at her. And in our house the unspoken rule is that when mommy is quiet, when she is crazy quiet, nothing good is going to be coming out of her mouth next. So with out saying a word my daughter knew.  I asked her for a timeout and told her I would talk to her in a few minutes.

I still remember when I "found out"- it was by accident -  my Mom asked me to get something for her in the car...she had forgotten my Christmas stash was in the trunk...I didn't handle it as well as my Reese would.   I was screaming and crying and carrying on...and my mom I'm sure had the same look on her face that I did 32 years later. My gut ached and the air was hard to breathe...  She was mad. It was her fault. And I let her know it. It wasn't until high school that we talked about it again.

Things just change when you know "that". I had a responsibility and duty to keep my mouth quiet as to not "crush" my brother's happy.  So that is what I did...  and I just enjoyed being in on a "grown up" secret.

This may not be a big deal to some and hey...that's okay. It is to me.  What happened next in my bedroom while she was waiting 15 feet away was a roller coaster of emotions:

I was angry- Why can't you and your friends talk about something else at lunch??  Seriously?
I was sad-  I missed my mom so much in this moment I thought my heart was breaking all over again.
I was selfish- It won't be the same old magic now that she knows.
I was excited- She could help me with the holiday magic...my own personal elf!
I was disappointed- I wanted this milestone to happen on my terms.
I was proud- You know what? She was brave enough to ask me! I can do this. Here goes nothing.

I grabbed the letter I had written back in spring.  When she questioned the tooth fairy receipt stash when she was looking for something in my desk (which I must say is off limits!) I knew it was getting close then, I read it to her my voice cracked and she reached for my hand ...  I could see the disappointment in her sweet brown eyes.  I explained the best way that I knew how.  Faith, magic, bravery, hope, joy, maturity, happiness,  a good secret to keep, were the highlights. She nodded and seemed to handle "it" better than I did. She hugged me and went to her room.

Later that night I went into her room... I needed to sit with her while she was sleeping... I caught her diary out of the corner of my eye. I did not look. I wanted to - but this is her story to tell. I kissed her on the forehead like I have done so many nights before. But that night was a little different.  She was now in the magic making business with me...and I am not gonna lie I am excited about gaining this partner. So along with the realization that she is getting older and time is marching on, comes the joy in making others happy by sharing and sprinkling joy with my new comrade.

With the holidays starting to make their bold descent upon us...I am ready...we are ready.   There is a new sheriff in town and we are planning on making a whole lot of holiday magic. Reach for the sky!!! We will Woody...we will!!!