I'm Over it!

It is New Years Eve. 2015 is already gone and I really can't believe. I am truly getting older because time is flying. I once heard someone say that "Days are long, but years are short",  They were wise.

2016 is almost here. Well it is here.  I am 4 months into my 42nd year on this planet. I always reflect on things, too much I am sure, but at the end of the year you are really supposed to, right? So we write down all things we didn't do well, enough or even at all...and try to resolute them for the next year. That is a lot of pressure!!  Like too much pressure. It makes my heart beat faster and I start to sweat. So I am trying something different; for me anyway. I am gonna get over stuff in 2016.  The art of getting over the overs.

It surprisingly didn't take me too long to find the things I am over...doing! So here is my resolution, my list of things I want to work on, in or be done with ...

1. Over spending- Just stop. Be simple. Content. Less is more.

2. Over planning- a little spontaneity will do me good. Things are nice to look forward to but when I'm always planning the next thing, I miss out on the present.

3. Over doing- Live simply. See number 1.

4. Over sharing- This may or may not work since I blog and all that jazz. But hey, how about sharing other people's stories. Boom! yes. I am over that.

5. Over reacting- I will try really, really hard. 

6. Over sensitive- I know I feel things too deeply. I am overly passionate and enthusiastic. But it kinda makes me an empathetic bad ass. So, maybe I won't touch this one. I will just work on how I react (see number 5) when people say I am too sensitive... I will simply reply, thank you!

7. Over eating- This is a big one. Slow down. Be prepared to take the steps to help me not be tempted to over eat. Keep busy and get moving. These go hand in hand for me...if I am moving I won't eat. Sounds simple- but for me its always a battle.

8. Over thinking-  I will stop killing my own happiness. I will breathe and I will push the delete button and stop hitting replay in my head. It usually creates problems that don't exist so I will think less and do more.

9. Over judging- I will work on being an encourager instead of a critic. 

10. Over singing- Ha! This. IS. NOT. Going. To. Happen. I will turn it up and sing louder!

I know this list looks like  a lot - and I am a mess. But really, this list is just about moderation for me, I was chatting with my squad and that word came up; moderation. I suck at moderation. I am in all in girl. The lucky thing for me is that my squad... they are good at it. Unless it is mini powdered donuts then forget about it- I am an island.

So 2016, is going to be known as the year of enough. Not over anything, just enough.  I will continue to seek for the balance that I know I am capable of achieving.  After all, content is a nice way to be...

I will be fearless and bravish in my journey and I will continue to let Love be guiding force. I will relish and mustard in my daily life and make the most out of everyday. Bring on 2016.

Hello, Grief

This, I will apologize in advance for, because it is me - just writing. I will not edit. I will not mince words or feelings for fear I will say too much or over share.

I just have a lot to say.  You see 24 years ago my mom at the age of 46 died.  And every year since then it's like a punch in the throat. The emotions come crashing back and I cry in the shower,  in the bathroom, anywhere I can that no one will see because I think people will think I am stupid for missing this woman who gave me life after ALL these years.  

Truth is- wait for it. My pain. My story. It's not the same is yours and you don't get to own that part in my head anymore. So this is me telling you all that grief comes in so many different packages. 

I realize I am not the only one that has lost a parent - it's a natural thing. Kids bury parents. Parents don't bury kids.  But it still hurts. 

I took my sweet tween daughter to see a movie tonight. Gasp! Yes a school night!!! Judge me tomorrow... Love me tonight! 

I remember my mom taking me to see Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I have never seen any of those movies since. And I was sitting there with my daughter and her brown eyes looking at me in amazement of this movie... I feel that feeling in my stomach. That I don't want her to ever feel. Of being alone. And scared and angry. 

Every year on this date I do the same thing. I cry. I think how is this even possible that she is missing seeing her grandchildren grow up?  And my faith is tested and weak. And then a familiar song will play on the radio as a reminder from her to snap out of it. This is all part of a bigger plan. Bigger than you and me. And that even when I can't understand I have to trust THAT much more.

Makes no sense when you are crying in your Cheerios... But... 

So, here  I am - 24 years as a motherless daughter and I know this: 

1.Grief doesn't have an expiration date 

2. It sneaks up on me 

3. Lean into the pain instead of fighting it 

4. Oreos will make me laugh and cry 

5. Loss is a lifelong journey 

6. I will continue to mourn the memories she missed out on 

7. I will keep those memories we did make seared on my heart forever 

8. I will choose joy and sadness together.

9. The love we shared together doesn't have an expiration date either. 

10. Learn to swim

I found this quote

and it is so perfect- it explains the way I bob and weave or whip and nae nae through this crazy life missing my mom!  I learned to swim!!! Ahhhhh.  I made. It. I did that. Yessss!! 

 

daily reminder

It's been forever since I had the chance to blog. I'm in the thick of school and grading and well you know, life.  I looked around my house today when I got home at 5... And said who leaves here?!?! There is paper piles and laundry and empty toilet paper rolls. Does anyone see them but me????

I went back to my journals and found one I never published and it is funny how it  fits today... Maybe I shouldn't worry about changing and just accept that I am who I am. It is what it is. And love my life. All of it.  That's scary.  

Earlier this week I talked about "fizzing" out with a friend and I made up a plan to get through the week with out going flat. In the process of this I read a lot. There is something about reading one's words on a page and the sanctity of writing. It is like the writer has given you your own personal invite to share a piece of themselves with you. A pretty brave thing. It is what has encouraged me to write again.

On the other hand there is something special about when someone reads something and sends it to you and says...this made me think of you. and I thought you may like it, you need to hear it, you will laugh at it,  you will challenge it,  you can relate to this; add something to it, believe it or simply enjoy it! It's like a little love note. Who doesn't like love notes?

I received an article from a friend a while back that you can read here about Zelda Williams unveiling her tattoo in honor of her dad, Robin Williams. It is a hummingbird...and my heart skipped a beat. They truly are one of the most beautiful creatures. They remind to me to keep flying...to keep looking for the good even when I know I am fizzing out. They remind me to laugh...and when I see one I always smile. 

I guess what I want you to know today is that...things may be flat and dark and scary but when you are ready to - someone will be there to help you fly again. And it is hard work to fly. But

It is totally worth it. Think of all things you would be missing if you never left the ground?

So - here is my reminder:
Smile.
Don't give up- for too long!
Things may or may not get better.
You are enough!
It is what it is.
Embrace both the ugly and sweet.
You are beautiful!

The Fall

Do you remember where you were 14 years ago? I do- to the minute ...the square of carpet I was standing on to the click of my boots on the hard aisle as I went to the TV.  My heart still aches. 
Just like thousands and thousands of others we won't forget that moment when America fell.

When my heart hurts or people around me are hurting I fly into beast mode. I want to DO! Love in action. Answer the CALL.  I try and figure out how to make the hurt stop.

Ask any of my village and they will tell you I always ask "whats next?"

 But what I am learning in this journey is that maybe we don't need to always rush to action after a fall...

Which brings me to this amazing bad ass author Brene Brown whose book Rising Strong I am reading right now. Or I should say listening to... I'm totally phoning this one in and opted for a book being read to me by none other than the author herself. 

I'm only in chapter 9. I have like 82 left. But on the eve of 9/11 there is so much of that book that translates and makes me say yep. I got it. I get it. Good!!!!

In our life we have all these things that happen- crappy things. Not so good things and then there are amazing things right? They look different to everyone but they all give you the good bumps and make you say "ahhhhh".

But as we rise and fall and fall and rise things at least for me get a little clearer.

Hear me out: 

1. Blue skies and green lights are awesome. But they don't happen all the time. So we have to hit a few red lights and get caught in the rain without an umbrella to appreciate those sunny skies. 

2. We all want the quick fix and the hero stories, but isn't the real winning in that beautiful, hard, struggle where we are battling to get back up? Let's hear about that. 

3. Life isn't perfect. It's not easy and it's is certainly not fair when we are face down after a 50 story fall. But. There is a but - if you are brave enough to embrace the fall and rise again -that is where that sweet beauty is. 

14 years after the United States fell flat on its face and the wind was taken out of our lungs we are still getting back up. New struggles knock us down. The survivors and heroes of 9/11 are still showing up. A new memorial has risen. It personifies the rise and fall of this moment in history that no one will forget.

Thank you 9/11 and all those people that lost heir lives and their loved ones. The children of 9/11 that won't know their parents and the Heroes that sifted through ashes to give a family peace. 

On that heartbreaking day lives were changed forever.

So if you fall, come on you are human. You will fall. 

Embrace the fall

Pace yourself 

Adapt and overcome. 

This happens 15 times a day for me; and that's on a good day!!!  I fall. A lot.  

So take a deep breath. And never forget what that fall felt like.  The rise will be so much sweeter if we remember it with humility and unabandoned truth.  

  

Lobsters, Hooties, Luggage and Love

Today is National Friendship Day.  It's on the Internet- it has to be true.  I read a few days back this quote from Brilliant Bob: 

"God makes mountains to dazzle us and friends to love us".

Bob Goff

Bob Goff is a genius. I love his book, Love Does. It speaks to me about putting all the words into action and doing something. Anything that is loving. I follow him on Instagram and FB and you should too. He makes me want to yell,  Ahoy mate. Come on board.  I've got room for "all you all" here...  He is a lover of Christ and the truth he sheds is real. It is simple. 

I know God gives us friends. He puts people in places and sprinkles them around to make your life just a smidge better. Easier.  Lighter. At least that is the way it is for me.

They are like the accessories to my favorite outfit... The cream of the crop...  the flip to my flop and the cheese to my wine.

Some friends are hiding in unlikely of places. and the best friendships are ones you don't have to work at.. easy breezy flying, all green light kinds, those are the ones to hold on to.  One day you look around and say, damn, I got lucky in the friend department.

It's hard to put a label on friendships and who is what to me... but THEY know who they are. My village. the women I am proud to get to call my friends.   I would like to think that I am changed from them being in my life present or past...

Everyone needs friends. It's been said that you live longer having fulfilling friendships then without.  

Bert had Ernie, Meredith had Christina, Laverne had Shirley, Thelma had Louise, Woody had Buzz, Lucy had Ethel, Batman had Robin and Ruth had Naomi. 

One of my favorite stories in the bible is in the Book of Ruth... read it and then tell me that doesn't encompass one of the most rich, complicated, brave and loyal friendships in history.

 "Where you go, I will go, where you stay I will stay" 

Ruth 1:16

Here are the 7 reasons why you need friends...

THEY:

1. Remind us: Whether it is reminding you to sign your kids up for dance class or its your turn to bring meat and cheese to the Christmas party. your friends will keep track of your head when you may have lost it. They are also there to remind you that it is okay you aren't feeling awesome today and they remind you that tomorrow is a new day...
2. Celebrate with us: Birthdays, holidays, promotion at work, or maybe it is that you made it through the day with out throat punching some one;  these friends are an instant party, They are your biggest fans. 
3. Challenge us: Ahhh... this is a hard one. but you need those groupies to make you better,  they want the best for you and your family, even if you can't see it. These are the friends that say what they mean and mean what they say. You may not like it but you have to hear it  these friends keep it for real!
4. Cry with us: You may have just lost your parent, job, or your way or maybe there isn't anymore wine; these friends prop us up and lean into the hurt with us. They give us guardrails and safety nets. They promise a real promise - not that it won't hurt anymore, but they will be there and show up for us.
5. Fight for us: They show us our strength when we don't recognize it.  They have your back when you are right and they will tell you when you are wrong.  These are the ones that tell you that you can do hard things and even if you don't want to they will. They are on your side and will go to the dark alley with you to fight your demons. 
6. Laugh with us: Sometimes they laugh AT you when you may have had a a few mishaps of the falling down kind or dancing like an absolute buffoon. They make you laugh with their made-up words or silly text messages. No one may get it but you two...and you don't care. These favorite people are the ones that you can laugh with until your sides hurts. 
7. Love us: This is the big one. they LOVE us. It s a verb... not an adjective. Well, it can be. Oh well,  never mind that. But I mean L-O-V-E you. Show up for you. even when it may not be easy. They show you grace and love every imperfect part of you.

So call your person. Your Lobster. Your Hooties. The ones you love more than your luggage! Hug them. Celebrate your friendships today, whether it is a new friendship, one that has stood the test of time or maybe one that needs a little TLC. Just do it.  Love is an action after all.

And if that isn't enough to make you get all lovey and ready to do back flips about how freaking awesome your friends are...you can watch some of my all time favorite friendship movies... (after you give the dog a bath, laundry, and cook dinner OF COURSE!)

Pop some corn and a cork ... And watch. You can thank me later.

Steel Magnolias

Beaches

Thelma and Louise

Fried Green Tomatoes

Walking and Talking 

What is your favorite friendship movie? Comment below... I would love to hear. 

The World is a Small Town

So, this article   9 signs You're a Small- Town girl at Heart...came across my news feed... and I thought OH,  I am so reading that. And well you should too!

It is no secret that I was raised with concrete and cookie cutter houses.  WE have lived in our small town for nearly 11 years.  I remember the first time I visited my husbands hometown like it was yesterday... AZALEA weekend 2001. I saw the sign with total population... my high school had more students in it. I was nervous. Maybe they were too... I doubt it,

It all went dandy, I sat on a front porch sing and drank tea and got to know his family in a slow and easy breezy kind a way. He said hello to everyone as we strolled through the festival and everyone acknowledged me.  That was the first time for the rest of my life  that in Southeast Missouri I would be someone other than  me. I wasn't just me anymore. It wasn't my territory. I was visiting and as long as I was, they would warm and kind and welcoming. I was lucky.  But I was HIS girlfriend, fiance, wife. Not the autonomous me that I fought so hard for when I left my nest and flew East.

Fast forward to today and we are settled in our home town with a village of people whom I adore. I love my job. I just wish I would have started teaching sooner.  My daughters are involved and loved and soaring. Husband makes a good life for us. We have planted roots.

But every once in a while the what ifs start dancing around in my head about small town vs big city. And lets face  it what ifs are never fun...at least for me because I usually am having these thoughts when husband is out of town and I am going to attend church by myself again tomorrow. My wings are flapping a little at the what ifs.

Enter the list: 9 signs You're a Small- Town girl at Heart by blogger howdoesshe.

So here it is: 
1. You can fix anything with twine and duct tape. - Nope I am not a fixer at all. I just ask husband or Poppy. Sorry, my mom was the same way. 

2. You don't see what the big deal is about locking the front door. I always lock my front door and even daughter number one double checks it habitually. That could be because Daddy is out of town a lot and it makes us feel safe.

3. You get extremely impatient when a line is longer than two people. Well, maybe, but only because life is busy- but I can handle it. I will admit the longer I am here I get crazy when my local grocery store is packed*. Come on people... I am shopping. GO AWAY. * by no means is the store packed, or is there traffic like OC. But it is becoming a new norm. 

4. Big buildings make you claustrophobic. I love big buildings and I can not lie!

5. Crowds just aren't your thing. Well, this one as I get older I am realizing I don't like them. Or is it because I may see someone I may know...in that crowd. See number 8.

6. You don't see a problem with getting married young. I got married older...29. It is hard work. But I was busy doing other things before I fell in love for the last time. I have friends that got married right out of high school and others that were in their late 30's. You can't hurry love. But sometimes it can't wait either. You know your heart. 

7. You are incredibly creative when it comes to entertainment.  I must be incredibly dumb...because I don't know what this means. You make your own fun...you travel...you live. Okay, I do that.

8. When you go to Walmart, you automatically look for someone you know. I see someone every single time I am there that I know. Maybe even more than one. And I try my hardest to avoid Walmart. 

9. You secretly like the smell of cow poop. I can't even right now. So I won't.

I read the list and re read it... and it is pretty straight forward that I am not a small town girl at heart. I love many aspects of living in a small town. But on the flip side of that I hope and pray that I am giving daughters enough diversity and culture to be well rounded, accepting people of society.

Look, I am not saying people that have been born and raised generations and generations in a small town aren't well rounded.  Some of my dearest friends have lived here forever. They make fun of me about  my lack of fishing and hunting knowledge, pronunciations of names, directions that I should know etc.  I can take it. I love them that much.

I am also saying that people that live in big cities aren't  better than small town folk...although I do know several egotistical peeps that do think they are better because of their zip code.  But I am a transplant. I am city girl that has planted roots in a small town.  But man, every once in while my wings are flapping to see what is outside the small town for me and my family.  And then I wake up and see this...and I think, ahhhhhhh sweetness. You rock my world with this moment.

I think it is all about mindset maybe... if you have a beautiful  mindset  regardless if you are a small town girl or a big city slicker,  and you are willing to look at your life and love it... better yet OWN IT. YES, THAT IS IT. JUST OWN IT.  All of it, the easy breezy days and the thunder filled messy nights where the what ifs are crashing in... I think I am a more a little big town girl. or whateves. I'll own it. Be nice... because the world really is just a BIG small town. Love each other.

I heart Summer

I love summer. It is my time to catch up on chores around the house and deep clean every nook and cranny. I wash windows and clean baseboards.  Are you still there? Because that is a bold face lie. Sorry, Mom, no baseboard washing is happening!

All year long I go and go until my tank is empty. One of the perks of teaching is the summer...its flexible and its GOOD.  I LOVE everything about the summer.

Once July starts to creep up, I am actually relaxed and able to breathe again.

Here are 10 reasons I live for summer:

1. Flip flops- growing up in sunny Southern California I was always barefoot. Sandals were a necessity unless I was in cleats. I have so many pairs of flip flops that it is just shameful - but it doesn't matter-  I always buy a new pair to commence summer. This is what I bought this year from my favorite store...TARGET!

2. Late Nights- whether I am binge watching Orange is the New Black or Bloodline (this summer's must see shows for me) I enjoy being able to go to bed at all hours of the night and not setting my alarm. Thank you Netflix!!

3. NO ALARM mornings-It doesn't matter what time I  do go to bed, I am usually always up before the girls. I can have my coffee on the deck - just in quiet. No rushing. I usually think about what we are going to do that day and it usually is a whole lotta nothing. Because remember that is something!

4. Sunny Weather-  My girls are swimmers and love to be in the pool. They go in when it is way too cold for me. But eventually when it heats up I'm so in! We play silly games, of cannonball, create whirlpools and endless rounds of monkey in the middle.  This year we added water aerobics to our mix. It makes me feel a little better about the Chinese food we ordered for dinner. EGG ROLL anyone?

5, BBQ's- Its no surprise I like to have parties and entertain and in the summer it is easier. Our schedule isn't so jam packed. It's easy to call friends and tell them to grab some BBQ essentials and come over. The kids run around, get hot and sweaty and WORN out and we get to drink and laugh and be awesome. Our favorite bbq treat, S'mores! I did just find this little gem on Pinterest...called a Woof Em. And summers are for trying new things too, so when we go glamping in August we will be trying these!

6. Peaches- I had two peach trees in my backyard as a girl. I will admit the chore of over ripened peaches is enough to make me turn up my nose once or twice but I still love seeing ripe seasonal fruit. We enjoy  fresh fruit smoothies too and our crisper is loaded full. I don't like fruit flies- so I always have apple cider vinegar out to catch those pesky suckers. Peaches always remind me of my summers as a young girl.

7. Anytime is Ice cream time- It's okay to eat ice cream at  anytime of day -  at one or four or seven,..enough said.

8. Reading- Oh, I love to get to catch up on all the books I started on the breaks during the school year. I just finished Out of the Spin Cycle by Jen Hatmaker  and just started The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  I'll let you know what I think!

9. Traveling- I feel fortunate that we are able to vacation. We usually go back to Cali ( yeah, I think so!) to see brother and his growing family. But this year we went East Coast style. I will save that for another entry. But I love going to familiar places and new places alike. I traveled a lot as a youngster and I am grateful for those experiences up and down the coast. It makes me love what I do and see the world and appreciate all that it has to offer. I will admit I am NOT a good passenger, I beg for Starbucks, perfect temperature in the car, and frequent pit stops... eh, oh well. You all know I am not perfect.

10. The excitement of a new school year approaching- Yes, I am a teacher. There is something about the thought of a new school year that sends my mind racing in between happy hours on the deck. I love the possibilities. The unknown - We are ready to start a new! I do plan and organize and reflect on what I can do better for the year ahead during the summer.  Its a blank space baby...

For the past seven years I have relished in my summers. I have spent these years making endless memories, and days filled with nothings. My tank is filling back up. I love everything about summer...I relish in late nights, even later mornings, binge watching Netflix, lazy days at the pool... my list goes on. And I am not apologizing...  Haters gonna hate...but this lover of summer is gonna love.  Enjoy!

Shut up and dance!

I may be a smidge crazy. I love loud. I love big. I hurt big too. I rant maybe a little too loud. But in the course of these last seven days that I completed this challenge  BY THE WAY I totally KICKED ASS in! Andrea Owen is a the resident bad ass. She is doing great things for women and helping us all be our best selves and living in our own skin.  This challenge wasn't easy. But it was sooo good, scary, messy, truthful, freeing! It gave me momentum and courage to keep on moving... 

1. I am seriously not alone.

2. I am enough period. No even when or buts I AM ENOUGH.

3. I have good stuff in my heart to share and I will not apologize for that.

4. I will show up even when I can't thing I can.

5. I will give grace because I am given grace daily and I don't even have to ask. (that is AHHHHMAZING- thank you JESUS!)

6. I will recognize when I am on the ledge and I will back this bus up and repeat steps 1-5.

And then if that doesn't work I will shut up and dance it out.

Like this little girl, Johanna...affectionatley called BOO... This girl gets it. She has my
R-E-S-P-E-C-T  for giving it her all and not apologizing a bit. 

I know there are days when it is hard to give it your all and you are tired and sad
just go all in. Even do your messy whole heartledly. Half assed is not fun. Glennon over at Momastery says its fine to be jacked up and messy...  JUST SHOW UP.  Because you are enough and don't apologize! Her latest blog post is jacked up perfection, read it here.

I will not apologize for mistakes I have made or for being a mess... if you love me you will love all of me...and as I get older, as cliche as it seem, s I am learning that every move I make jacked up or not is to LOVE. 

Hope vs. Expectation

I am baffled by people's behavior sometimes. Even at the age of 41, I scratch my head. The way people act  sometimes leaves me dizzy.  Like I was just hit by a 2x4. BAM. OUCH.

Oh calm down, there are things that I have done in the midst of crisis, or jubliation or a case of the vodkas that I am not proud of - what I am trying to figure out is how I respond or better yet have the courage to not respond to people's behavior.

What I want to do is this - clench my fists and scream, WHAT THE WHAT?

I want to lash out at them.. but that isn't the right thing to do. Even though it would make me feel better. For a minute. I could text them and probably say everything that I would never say to their face... Yeah, that is it! I am tough!  (not really, BULLY BEHAVIOR)

The truth is this...expectation is killing people's joy.  For instance. if you expect something grand and then don't receive it - is it really the people's fault around you?

NO!

Because you didn't tell them what you expected... and they just went about their business.  You may be hurt or disappointed but that unfulfilled expectation was put there by you.

Total JOY KILLER.

When I worked in retail management we had an "Expectation List". It was something we shared with new hires to help them ease into their jobs and what was expected of them. It was clear and concise and consistent. It helped to bridge the gap for the new employees.  It gave direction if they had questions about what they were expected to do and hopefully they would exceed those expectations on their own accord. Makes sense, right??

So would it be easier if people came with expectation lists? Or maybe we handed them out like Oprah, You get my list and here's another and another.... Hmmmmm, I don't know. Maybe we just need to shift our focus. Maybe just zero in on our own achievement and work on exceeding those expectations with excellence- NOT PERFECTION.

And then we can learn to NOT expect things from people. Keep those low and your own disappointment won't be followed by  a giant size tantrum. I know it is hard. Especially if you are a recovering people pleaser.

When you pray do you expect GOD to answer those prayers? I did, early on in my relationship, now I just hope.

Hope is powerful. HOPE IS COURAGE WITH WINGS.  It is when you want something to happen and when it does, you are actually really happy. JOY! This is something you weren't guaranteed so it is a true gift, a bonus. But when it doesn't happen, it's completely okay because you knew all along that it most likely would not happen.

Along with expectation comes that idea that you are entitled to something. AND when it doesn't you are let down.  BIG TIME. And if it does happen you aren't genuinely happy or experiencing joy because you expected it. JOY KILLER. Life is way too short to be joy killin' and stuff!

So instead of being a bravish and kind grown up you go ahead and invite everyone to your JOY KILLER party. On the menu, a huge serving of guilt with a side of nasty.  I so GET THAT.  I know when I am hurt I want to hurt people too... But I am working on that. That is why I signed up for the KICK-ASS Courage project. People aren't going to KILL MY JOY.

We Should do that together...lets be better together. Sign up with me here for a seven day challenge to be Courageous! And then watch this!

So lets not expect anything from others...only raise your own expectations of yourself. Achievements, goals, milestones. They don't have to be big or lofty goals either... start out small like, I am not going to say a curse word today or I am going to drink more water! And then work up to the big stuff... LIKE, I am enough!

HOPE IS GOOD. COURAGE IS GOOD. LET'S DO SOME OF THAT INSTEAD.

Nothing is Something

I woke up this morning and instead of beginning my day in devotion and gratitude for the sun shining and it being a no alarm day I immediately grabbed my phone to start coordinating pick ups and drops offs for this evenings activities. LAME. I am so mad at myself and feeling uber convicted because I have invited "Bizzie" into my families home. She has a guest room, clean towels, free reign of the kitchen, couches, TV, not to mention the deck to watch the horses in the field and the girls bikes too. Because we aren't around to use them. "Bizzie" has taken over my house.

It happens every spring. End of school year and daughters activities collide.  Please don't hear what I am not saying - I love the choices the girls have made. One activity  each and it makes me happy to see them do their "thing".

I just want to do something and that is NOTHING.

So when my church started this series called, There's An Elephant in the Room (TAEINTR) I knew it was going to be a doozy. Maybe it would be just what we needed to get a little control over "Bizzie" and help her vacate so we could relax and get control of our household again.   

We try really hard to be intentional about our family time especially with Husband out of town all week. But man we are failing... With something on the calendar every week night the last several weeks and our weekends packed too I find myself just begging for canceled practice or a rain out.   Don't judge me. Or go ahead and judge me... your choice. But I am speaking truth.When God brings rain down and a tweet tells me practice is canceled - I KNOW I am not the only momma doing the "cancel dance"!!

I love to see my daughter dance.  It is her joy.  I love to see my daughter play softball. She wants nothing more than to play hard. I won't take that away. I just want a little breathing room. Just so we can do NOTHING. TOGETHER.   

Shut the front door. Lose the keys. Unplug. Eat Waffles. Not the frozen boxed kind either. Like, take the waffle maker down and make your family some "I've got all the time in the world waffles" !!! God forbid. Stop the glorification of busy. 

Please watch THIS . It speaks straight through to my heart like Bon Jovi. And I am to blame. We will get it right. This helped us recognize some things we can do better as a family.  And then we will mess up. And then we will try again. It's like the shampoo cycle of life.  Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I'm okay with that.  Try. Mess up. Try again. I don't really like Bizzie. But you know who I love? Grace!!!!!!  

And maybe  Bon Jovi!!!  Yes. I love him too. 

Happy Tuesday. 

I get it now, Mom

I found myself in a puddle the size of Texas earlier this week. The girls were in bed and I crawled into my bed sobbing. I just couldn't get my emotions in check. I am okay with crying, I am okay with not being okay, I am okay with recognizing that there are days when extra grace is required when dealing with me. What I am not okay with is when I can't figure out why my heart is aching and it hurts to breathe.

You know that feeling? The one you may get after you ran a long distance, or when I was younger playing in the smog filled air of OC, or the feeling of missing someone so much that hole is so big and wide and as much as I try to fill it up with good and love and rainbows and unicorns it just escapes. Thats the feeling. Now do you recognize it? Yep me too...it creeps up on me when I least expect it.

It sucks to miss someone after all these years...and it overcomes me like a big powerful wave. It knocks me to knees, tumbling around and gasping for air all along getting sand...everywhere. I finally manage to get my feet under neath me, and my head above water but not until another wave knocks me down again. I usually fight pretty hard when I am under water and I'm not willing to give into the flood of emotion - BUT this time I gave in.

I grabbed my treasure box of things that I haven't touched in years. I see it everyday- its there in my closet on the shelf where I throw our sheets and my winter sweaters. I conciously look at it every day.

Well, last night I climbed up there and I reached out for it. It was covered in dust. And I opened it and as soon as I did it was like I could smell her.  My mom. Her Jean Nate. Her sweet pink lipstick. Her Arbonne face products. They all came back to me after all these years.

My last mother's day with her was May, 12, 1991. I was a senior in High School. I don't know what we did that day, I have no idea. I can't remember. But I do know what my mom was feeling that day; because she wrote me a letter:

Life is full of ups and downs and many times there are more downs than ups- you fight me about going to church to visit with God but remember our faith is what keeps us together and we surely can't only look for the Lord in times of trouble; we need to always have HIM in our heart and on our side so that the bad times are bearable. There is so much I'd like to say to you but you always are ready to slash out at me and I can't stand that hurt when you make faces at me. I sometimes feel like giving up... but that is not my technique and that is why we clash so much. I do want you to be strong and brave and don't let anyone tell you you aren't someone. You are what you make yourself. I am hurting and scared but I love you. I have faith that we will be okay no matter what happens.  
I know I may not be around to see what God has in store for you...but I wan't you to remember this. I love you. I am a mother because of you. My daughter of mine. I hope you will experience the joys and tears and pain and laughter that comes with being a mom. It isn't always fun but it is the most rewarding thing I have ever done. I hope I get to cash in on more moments with you. If not,  what we have shared will last a lifetime my brave girl.
Love ya, Yours Truly and  all that jazz, 
MOM


Mother's Day is upon us and I know it is always a bittersweet day for many- and that is okay. it shouldn't be a hallmark holiday unless you want it to be. I found some  photos of my mom in my treasured moments box and I thought I would share.

I love this picture of my mom, her mom and her sister. All of them are together in heaven. This was my baby shower in August of 1973. The surprised look was because they all flew in from Pennslyvania to be with her on this special day.  They showed up for her.  I am sure that she knew that she was adored that day. By the way- could she be any cuter in her navy blue and white polka dot  shift dress???

Snowball fight in the mountains. Funny how I now live in a place that has seasons- when I grew up the only snow we knew was in the mountains and when we visited family in Pennsylvania. I love my crinkled up nose as I anticipate the snow. Pure uninhibited joy! 

This picture is simply so precious to me- and it isn't even me...I am watching as my brother is baptized in 1978. But please stop, look at that woman's face. ahhh, my heart busts right open again to see so much love in her eyes.


As I celebrate my 10th mother's day as a mommy and my 24th as a motherless daughter I
wrote my mom a letter back... as a tribute to her and me and our moments.

Yo Mom!
Mothering is hard work. I get it now. Not so much when I was 17. But now, phew I get it. I understand the glares, and the yelling matches and the mumbling under the breath. I get the "is this your best" talks, and the "you can do it" cheerleader moments. I get the "you made a bad choice and now you have to pay the consequence" discussions that rip your heart out and wish you could make it all go away. But mostly I want you to know I get the I love you no matter what moments. Between pick up and drop offs, chores and cuddling. I get those moment when nothing else matters because my girls know that they are loved. I want the same for them as you wanted for me all those years ago... I love you for pushing me and nagging me and teaching me how to fold sheets (I don't fold them, But I do know how thanks to you) Things are different than I thought they would be and I miss you terribly. But I am grateful every day for the moments we had...even the not so good  moments. They made me who I am today- all jacked up and built to love big.  I am mothering the best way I know how- and I just want you to know I get it. Thanksfor not giving up on me. Our moments are lasting a lifetime and I am bravish. I will do my best not to screw it up.
Love ya right back, pretty eyes and all that jazz,
SL


To all the women out there moms or not - celebrate with and for each other. Show the ones you love who you are in the messy, tired, scared moments and the fantastical sweet moments too. It is who we are. It is who our kids, our villages, our people need to see. Let them get it. Show them that someone will be there if they feel like giving up. Be their cheerleader!  It is our most important work to love one another and make sure they all know that someone adores them. Get that thing right. Nothing else matters.

So tomorrow I plan to get me some rest and be still even if it is for a few moments. I will probably partake in a cocktail or two and share life with my family and village.  I am grateful I gave in to my tears...it allowed me to let some more love in.

What's the word, hummingbird?

Someone said to me last week, you haven't written in a while. I smiled and said, I know! But that really wasn't the truth... I have written. A ton actually. In the middle of the night when I can't go back to sleep. In the middle of my love campaign, I write feverishly to love bigger and dream even bigger than that. I have been busy on all fronts...school, events, kids, spring cleaning* just like you! But I promise I am still writing.

Because of Good Will Hunting I wanted to make my life into a movie. It was 1997. I was in Connecticut. And I was convinced Ben was going to dump Gwyneth for me AND we were going to fall in love and WIN Oscar after Oscar for our clever writing styles!  But first I needed to write it all down.

I love to write.  It's the publishing part I suck at it. Are people reading? Do they like it? Am I making a difference? Is it inspiring people?  That my friends is the vulnerability, the need to be loved and be accepted by all that prevents me from publishing.

All of those things jump in and out of my brain, like a trampoline. But I write so much better than I speak. My brain goes too fast for my mouth and I stumble and skip all over the place.  I can start talking about a recipe but end up talking about sunglasses and the seven degrees of separation that got me to that place is enough for someone to call Uncle!!!!

Here are a few reasons why I write:

1. No one Can Interrupt Me
As I type or journal it is just me getting to say what I want to. No one can chime in- tell me their version, opinion or experience.  Call me selfish but I am interrupted daily... I am a mom.

2. Reflection
Writing helps me reflect on a situation or scenario and how I handled it or failed miserably at handling it. It allows to look back at times in my life that were happy and full of life and other times that my life was hard and messy.

3. Writing shows my Growth (or lack there of)
It is a given that writing allows me to be betterish. As I get older I am becoming more in touch with who I am and realizing that it is OK that I am not the Stepford version of a wife ( actually I am quite sure I am the furthest thing from) I mess up daily. I am okay with being not okay all the time. Imperfection. Everyone is imperfect. Not everyone is okay with that... I am. We are okay!

4. Writing makes me bravish
I can say things that I may not be able to say face to face. It gives me a platform to put my big girl panties on and say what I believe in and what I am willing to go to the mattresses for. (there is another list there and a post so stay tuned) Don't confuse that as weakness...it is just me being vulnerable about raw, authentic feelings that I sometimes can't verbalize.

5. Writing keeps my mind sharpish
Writing everyday allows my stream of conscious to flow and get better. It's important to find the words to communicate and the more I practice the better I get. Makes sense?


Do you remember when Matt Damon gets Minne Driver's number in the bar...  He says, to the haters...

"Do you like Apples? Because I got her numba... how do you like them apples!?"  I chuckle every time I hear it... and makes me fist pump...you GO MATT! woot woot!

He was the underdog, he didn't stop, he was brave (maybe a little reckless) and went after something he wanted.

So to my shame and my dark places... I SAY!  BOOM. I got my own numba!  This is my life, How you like me now?  WRITE. Right???

It has been too long since I actually published a post. I have missed you! I haven't stopped writing. I can't do that. It is the thing that keeps me feeling connected. Yes, you read right... as plugged in as I am to all the social media outlets they don't connect me to others. When I write I feel like I am reaching out and giving you all a hug... and somehow I reminded that we aren't alone in this crazy sweet life we have been given.

Thanks for flying by!

Share if you will...comment if you wish...come back again!

*I AM  NOT SPRING CLEANING. I should be...but who has time for that? If you do, great...just don't judge my windows or my winter clothes that are sandwiched in with my spring clothes hoping to see the light of day!

TOOT! TOOT!

I don't want to toot my own horn- but I am going to do it...TOOT! TOOT!

So consider this your warning to stop reading,  click the x and go about your biz. OR you can stick with me and hear what sometimes we all need to hear...and recognize that in all the crap, imperfect, dark and messy...there is a light. A beacon of hope that shows up in the least likely of places.

Parenting is a tough job and I realize that as they girls get older their problems will just get bigger. So I want you all to know that you can't stop. Keep doing your thing every day - as hard as it may be.  I think I raised the mommy flag three times before Wednesday this week. This was an exhausting week... it couldn't have come at a more needed moment.

I was reminded somewhere in between Columbia and Henry Street that its going to be OK. Today it was better than OK.

Daughter number one is in the front seat telling me about her day...she says that someone (a boy) gave her a compliment.

I said eyebrows raised... "Oh yeah, what did he say?

"He said I have to be the nicest girl in the whole school!?"

"WOW!", I said ,  "and what did you say to that?"

"I just said, not really...why do you think that? And then He said, 'Because you always hang out with us  even when no one thinks we are cool enough'."

I sat there...stunned. eyes, filled  with. tears. gripped the steering wheel and wondered what she was going to say next...and  then she just said it...

"So, I said to him, DON'T SAY THAT. I THINK YOU ARE COOL."

BOOM there it is... !!!! What? I mean come on that is the good stuff right? She is full of bravery and kindness? It is so good. I always call her my soft hearted one, a little quirky and sharp as a tack. Today I saw her as someone that isn't afraid of what others think- fun- and totally just plain awesome.  

I know that in between the yelling matches about good choices, and taking pride in yourself and to be your best self always...something is sinking in.*

So my friends... don't give up. You are doing an amazing job. Keep showing up for those babies and through all the mundane crap that no one tells you about when you get your parenting stripes, there is something beautiful and sweet waiting for us.  I think Cinderella was right, all you ever have to have courage and kindness. It goes a long way. 

For the record... I am tooting your horn too! Toot toot..beep beep. You are awesome today. 

*I will have you know that as I am writing this I am choosing to ignore the 3 alarm tantrum  daughter number one is throwing about brushing her sopping wet hair;  while daughter number two is taking puppy outside huffing and puffing the whole way.  See... all is back to  normal in my wonderful, messy and mundane universe. That is what I get for tooting my own horn.

Faith Freaks

Somedays, like everyday,  I like to think that I am in control of the scenario at hand. Truth is - God is chuckling at me and saying, seriously again?! And then He belts out the most awesome version of "Let it Go" and then I finally say, "Uncle!"  and He stops and says now go... Sing the tune all day long and guess what? I do. It's inevitable. Thank you Idina Menzel. I guess God knew what he was doing with that multi million dollar double platinum song! You are singing it right now, aren't you? 

I got to thinking what control and faith look like in my life with a big nudge from CHURCH this morning

That's why I love my church. 

Control is anxious. Faith is freeing.

Control is worry. Faith is trust.

Control is manipulative. Faith is responsible. 

Control is safe. Faith is reckless. 

Control holds on tight. Faith lets it go.

Control pushes you. Faith leads you. 

Control is restraint. Faith moves.

Control causes division. Faith makes you whole.

Control is the known. Faith is the unknown.

Control rushes you. Faith allows you to be still. 

Control causes overthinking. Faith prays. 

Faith is beautiful.  Faith is courageous. Faith is our love language with our God. 

Face it we are a bunch of people who like to control things or situations. 

We use a remote control to tell our electronics what to do - we use birth control to tell our bodies what to do - we use cruise control to monitor the speed we drive a car. 

Quality control helps manage the products we buy and make sure they are up to high standard... (I think I am okay with this one!) 

Control freaks! That's what we call people that have to have their fingers in every cookie jar and a say in everything. They manipulate situations and are on constant worry about stuff. Don't hear what I am not saying - having control can be a good thing... But not when it paralyzes our faith.  I've been there. Still am. But what if instead of control freaks we were faith freaks?!?

Day 164 - Ipsy loves Sipsy

This happened on day 165. Which I find so freaking ironic as I am working on my love does project someone DOES for me. Not really for me- but I get to spread her kindness! How totally cool is that? I found myself utterly speechless. And what do I do when I can't find the words?  I write. 

Yesterday I made myself walk to get the mail in this obscene weather we are having. There was two days worth of mail in there and I could see bills. Yuck.  But tucked in between was a beautiful pink striped envelope that made me instantly think about my college roommate.

Was it from her? 

It could only be from one person and as soon as I saw the handwriting I knew my lady had sent me a letter.

I got so excited that I almost forgot how cold it was outside. My heart was warming me up from the inside out. Imagine my delight as I took off my gloves and opened it right there and  in my frenzy something falls to the snow... a donation!!! It was for the fundraiser we are working on to love on a beautiful girl and her family. It was there in the snow. Beautiful and untouched and intentions pure. My sweet "lady's"  heart was broken for this family and she was moved to action. She was moved to do. I cried. Love doesn't understand boundaries or distance. Just love. Like Anna did for me and she warmed me from the inside out. 

I poured myself a glass of wine and this is how I am starting my weekend at the end of day 164. Eternally grateful for my Sipsy.  

I toast you my sweet friend.  Cheers! Salud! Mazle Tov! Salute!  

It's too good not to share. It's just too damn good. 

When you get a nudging to do something - don't wait.  Just do.  Love does.  

Day 166

My love campaign is in full swing and some days have been bigger than others or less eventful but some biggish love stuff is happening:

 

Day 180 - We said goodbye to COCO who showed us what unconditional love looked like for the last 10 years ... A very sad love day.  But we hugged. A lot. 

Day 179- brought soup and biscuits to our sweet neighbor who recently lost her  mom

Day 176 - I didn't yell once today.  I know that because my girls both told me before they went to bed. Love witnesses too!

Day 175 - reached out to someone who needed prayers. Love prays. 

Day 171- I baked today. I showed my love by baking someone their favorite treat.  Love bakes.

Day 169 - sent a love note to someone I care about. Reminding them that they are enough. Love reminds. 

So fast forward to today,  day 166. 

It is also snow day # 7.

My love campaign may be in full swing but I am feeling a little out of control these days.  Too many emotions. Not enough boxes to put them in. I'm a little bloodied. Loving is hard work. It hurts sometimes.  I am showing love and grace daily but I am messing up dailly too. And it's funny how things bring up old wounds that I think have been scabbed over and healed.  The scab gets bumped and the hurt oozes out a little.  

And then on a Monday, day 168, this morning I can't find a headband and I start screaming like a banchee and slamming drawers and turning baskets over.  I did it.  Oh my friends it was so ugly and loveless.  I found a headband not the right one but it would have to do.  I started yelling and blaming the girls for not putting things in the right place. And on and on ... They just stared at me with those big brown eyes.  I did it. Again. I said hurtful things and yelled after I told them I would try not too do it anymore. 

Daughter #2 tells me that my headband looks beautiful and I am always pretty. 

Jesus. Mary.  And Joseph.  There it was. 

She just showed me what love does. 

It forgives. 

So I cried on the way to school instead of participating in dance party and I said I was sorry.  I shouldn't have gotten so upset and yelled. And I told them both how I should have handled it - the lost headband situation.  And they both say... 

"It's okay mom... Now dance!!!!"

Whoop there it is. Love. 

So my owies scabbed over. And then the snow fell. Again. Husband left and the girls get cranky and for me I sometimes like the space that his job gives us. But this week not so much - I'm feeling a little abandoned and needy. 

I am recognizing disloyalty and it knocks off a scab and blood just gushes out and I'm hurting again. I am wondering how people that are suppose to show love are disloyal for their own gains.  Tough question, right?  So I clean out a closet and bake some bread and I try to make sense if it. But I can't. It still hurts. 

So love confuses too. 

So I may be bloodied and beaten up and confused but love has shown me that it forgives and it nudges me daily to keep fighting to DO.  Even when I shake my head in confusion at others action I must just love them anyway. And remember to not to confuse the people I LOVE with my actions. Capish?

Love is also listening to daughters practice the recorder. And not wanting to break it in half.  Work in progress. Love is happening. Here. 

Day 182- Coco Love

I feel bad today. I am supposed to be lifting people up and showing love and albeit ultimately this WILL be about showing love and doing the next right thing it just wasn't the way I expected my first love project post to look like. Unfortunately for you my love posts are falling on a time where love hurts. Our sweet chocolate lab Coco is sick and the medicine isn't working and she is increasingly becoming lethargic and less spunky and well, less herself. She turned ten years old this past November. Husband and I found her at a rescue near our home and she has stuck with us ever since.

The pit is growing in my stomach as I recall yesterdays events and how my husband crawled in the backseat to comfort daughter #2 as she realized as much as her eight year old brain would allow that Coco wasn't getting better and that meant heaven was the next stop. I cried as I watched them walk with her down our road. A road Coco frequented freely and daily...she is the gypsy of our neighborhood, fierce protector, hates fed ex trucks, loves peanut butter and cheese but simply loves her family more than all of that.

As we as a family figure out what the next best thing to do is for our beloved family pet we are laughing and crying and remembering silly things that Coco has done to leave her paw prints on our heart forever. Love does hurt sometimes and I think that is a tough lesson to learn. Glennon Melton over at momastery.com is the resident love bad ass. She says that life is both beautiful and brutal...and coined the easy phrase brutiful. The next few days or weeks will be that for the girls I am sure...and we will do the best we can to let them bob and weave through the emotions of losing a family pet.

I found this article in my arsenal of saved reminders on how to live, love and let live... Dogs are pretty smart and  this was a perfect time to share it... Enjoy. My favorites... #1, 4 and 9.
Stay with me players...

Love in my hand

On this heart day where people are talking about love and what their significant other is doing to celebrate the love that is shining so bright in their village... I am giving myself a gift.  I am loving myself enough to lean into this crazy idea. Staying true to my passions.  I am starting a new project for the next 182 days. It looks like this... For the next six months I will post about what I did to love big on that given day.  Love, it's a word that is thrown around a lot - but what do we do to show love?  Do not roll your eyes or hit x. Stay with me here.

I need a deadline because you all know I am a serial fizzer outer read here  to catch up! I figure if it is out there in the Internet abyss for you all to see then maybe I will finish it.  And show some people love along the way.  And maybe no one will read it or care. That is kinda scary. But I'm doing it anyway. Authentic. All the way.

So I am now responsible for actually living out my mantra... Love big or go home.  

I don't know what it is going to look like- maybe I will want to put a fork in my eye by day five. I am hoping it motivates me to continue my trek through the trenches and build my love empire and continue to conquer the walls I tear down and build again and again.  My dream is, for one day the walls will come down forever and I will feel safe and loved in my own skin to just BE. 

Today was a good love day.  I have a twisted affair with food and my husband loves my homemade italian meatballs - I don't make them often. They are messy and time consuming and frankly I have to have just the right ingredients for my grandmothers recipe. It goes hand in hand with "THE Sauce" and I'm not talking Ragu. It's a labor of love. The girls helped me all day and prepared for his homecoming. I made him meatballs, spaghetti, amazing bruschetta and a delicious dessert pizza. I had to make him think he wasn't getting a warm cooked meal - enter maniacal laugh. Imagine his delight when he opened the pizza box and found this 

He was happy.  So today that is what I did to show him that yes... I do love you. 

Look here, I am not always loving big.  In fact there are days when it is dark and swampy in my world and love is just a word that means nothing. I am snappy and my face gets squished up and wrinkles appear in places that I didn't know I had. I am jumpy and yelly and impatient. Don't forget judgy.    I want to love.  To love. I want to love big and do.  So this is where my passion meets paper.  I have 182 days to get it right in some small way and or big way to show that love does win! 

Maybe you are out there and asking what the heck is she thinking? I know, right! But there is a job to do. And I am choosing to take on this love project.  To love my God, love myself, love my husband and daughters and love my village ... just to start.  

182 days to love and share my progress with you does seem a little daunting.   I may go flat before I even start but I'm willing to try.  Love does.  And I am ready to do.  

Stick with me players. This could get interesting!